Saturday, March 22, 2014

"Boys will be boys" ....only as long as women allow them to be ;)

You create your own experience : whatever happens in your life, you are responsible for it.
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Is this your husband, in every aspect of his life?

All men seem to be reduced to a set of givens :
  • Laziness is their nature. They expect others (read wife/GF) to do those jobs for them, which they are sufficiently capable of doing themselves. They are too lazy to bathe, shave, comb, dress, clean, cut nails. They won't look after their personal care/hygiene : cutting toenails and cleaning of ears happen once in a blue-moon, after repeated reminder from wife/GF. They will dirty the bathroom with their hair/snot/semen, and NOT clean it. They will stand and pee, and leave yellow spots on the toilet seat : left to you to clean them off! 
  • They expect women to pick up after them. They will leave their plate on the table for you to take to the sink. They will throw their socks around and you will be collecting them and taking them to the laundry. They will fall asleep watching TV, and it will be left to you to shut it down and replace the remote. They will keep their dirty/used clothes around/hidden, and it will be left to you to extract them from various places and take it to the washing machine. They will go for a bath and then scream for the towel from inside. They will sit on their bum, as you continue to slog around with the household chores and watch you, giving "expert opinions" at regular intervals. 
  • They expect women (mother/GF/wife) to look after them domestically. They are actually guests in your home, since a a 'home' is a woman's world. Patriarchy is a trick to keep the males entwined in the family system : warna mard bhaag jayegaa. The husband is forcefully made the 'head of the family', so that he takes up family responsibilities. Nature is matriarchal, but the society is made patriarchal to keep the men bonded to the family. It makes them feel equally important as the child-bearing, home minister female. Why do men escape to cricket matches, booze parties, boys' night out, etc. but women don't? Women are the nucleus of the family : Aurat nahin to parivaar nahin. Purush-tantra (patriarchy) is only an eye-wash, a trick, a scheme, a machination, an artificial concept, whatever you call it : simply to include them in the family.
  • Men are more de-linked from the society and  more likely to suffer from loneliness. It happens in the animal world : male tigers/elephants are loitering alone, females (grandma-s, mothers, mausi-s, bua-s, sisters, children) are in a group (family). Men, who spend a lot of time with family and prioritize it, are called "the family man". Have you heard of "family woman"?! 
  • Looking after contraception is a woman's job! They will persuade their wives to undergo tubectomy (more complicated), rather than themselves undergoing the much easier vasectomy. You will have to buy the condom, tear it open, make him wear it, and dispose it after use. They will have sex and fall asleep, and it will be left to you to have your contraceptive pill. Also, you will have to put the bed-sheet and pillow-cases for washing : they wouldn't care less.
  • Ghar-Ghar is a girly game! Housekeeping, for them, is a woman's job. Same goes for cleaning the house, paying the bills, grocery-shopping, and child-rearing. They wouldn't care less if the house is messy, filthy, disorganized. They don't even recognize all of  the vegetables in the green-grocery store. They do know know to distinguish a fresh fruit form a stale one. Recognizing daal/pulses are 'difficult'! They can survive within cobwebs and lizard shit, and act as if they cannot see the filth. Shoes will be left around at random places, for you to trip over. 
  • They hate vegetables/fruits. They love meat and eggs. They will hardly drink water. They won't bother about their own nutritional status. They are more likely than women to smoke, drink, take drugs. Have you noticed : guys have a fatter restaurant bill? Men are more likely to 'dabaao' the food. They take their digestive systems for granted and have a shorter life span.
  • They won't bother to mind their manners : they can burp and fart and scratch (their crotch) and nose-pick randomly in public. They will eat fast, eat with their mouth open, start eating before others have been served, finish eating before others are halfway, and leave the dining table with others still eating. 
  • They are judgmental of women who behave less than 'model' human beings. They will smoke, and then say "I cannot stand the sight of a female smoking", and then themselves throw out a smoke ring. They have double standards for men and women : drinking is OK for them but taboo for women. 
  • Maintaining relationships are for womenThey will forget anniversaries and birthdays. They can trivialize any conversation and invalidate your feelings. The wife is left to socialize and stay in touch with relatives on both the sides of the family. 
  • "Civilization is for women". "Discipline is also for women". "Keeping track of time is for mothers/wives."
  • They are escapists and procrastinators (Scarlett O'Hara syndrome). They know if they delay an assigned job long enough, the wife will finally do it. (Note : they need to be 'assigned' a job in the house : no homely idea originates from their larger brain).
  • They are attention-seeking. Period.
  • On the home front, they will expect you to bail them out of trouble. 
  • A wife is a cleaner+servant+assistant+secretary+cook+waitress+attendant+therapist+caretaker+agony aunt+punching bag+last resort+free prostitute.

  • All the above are actually mistakes of we women ONLY! We have created a situation where all the above merely are by-products.
    Ask yourself : WHY?
    • Why did you allow patriarchy?
    • Why did you not learn to earn your own money? (So you idolize a Suraj Barjaatiya heroine, eh?)
    • Why did you expect a marriage to be your ultimate aim in life?
    • Why did you not put your foot down and do exactly what you wanted?
    • Why did you allow others (family and relatives) to convince you, and talk you out of your own convictions?
    • Why did you not refuse to share the dirty bathroom with him?
    • Why did you take charge of that "overgrown child"? Who hired you as his caretaker for free?
    • Why did you cook for him? Why did you serve him? 
    • Why did you stop him, when he was picking up his plate, by saying "arre rehne do main utha loongi"?
    • Why did you allow him to kiss you with a bad breath?
    • Why did you not show disgust when he burped/farted/nose-picked/scratched?
    • Why did not not wait the doctor to remind him of his poor health?
    • Why did you not forget his birthday (and go for a girl's night out instead?)
    • Why did you rush to get the tissue and wipe his semen after sex? 
    • Why did you not walk away at the slightest disrespect? Why did you put up with his snide remarks and smirking?
    • Why did you let him emotionally blackmail you?
    • Why did you not walk out of him? Why did you not purge that asshole out of your life?
    • Why did you wait for him to take you out on a date/trip? Why did not gave the guts to go out alone?
    • Why were you sweet to him when he is wooden (indifferent to you)?
    • Why did you think it is your job to grow him up?
    • Why did you pick up his socks/underwear/plate/cup/shoes?
    • Why did you cry? Why can you not be emotionally self-reliant? Why did you give someone else the power to make you cry?
    • Why did you put up with his laziness and sloppy behavior?
    • Why did you tolerate his mood swings?
    • Why did you clean his bathroom?
    • Why did you make his bed in the morning? Why did you fold his blanket after your own?
    • When a woman is financially independent and still her parents-in-law are harassing her for dowry, it is the woman who is to blame for not putting her foot down and refusing the marriage at the very outset. Why has this woman not learnt to take her own decisions? Why is she so scared of "society"? Why isn't education bringing courage and righteousness into the character?
    Quoting Ajay Devgan in the movie Lajja (2001) : "Tum aurat jaat khud apni dushman ho. Maro!"

    Get Real
    Men are not going to do anything against patriarchy, since it is advantageous to them. Only a few people have been born as Raja Ram Mohan Roy, Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar, Swami Vivekanad, Swami Dayanand.
    Most men are going to silently enjoy women being self-imprisoned by patriarchy. 
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    If men do not respect women, it is we women to blame. Period.
    Strength respects strength. Men will respect you if you respect yourself. Actually, men are not so respect-worthy, as you are conditioned to believe them to be!
    • By pampering men as sons and husbands, we have stolen away from then (denied them) the opportunity to be adults. Why do men look down upon domestic jobs, which women invariably do, almost by reflex? When a boy cleans his room, why is he teased as "living in a girly room"? 
    • Let them learn the hard way! Let him lose his keys, forget his paraphernalia, screw his finances, bury himself in his cupboard mess. Let his under-garments be unwashed for weeks. If he screams, "where are my socks?", say quizzically "How do I know?" without making eye-contact.
    • LEAVE THEM ALONE. Ignore him from time to time. Be available all the time and be ready to be taken for granted!
    • Stop waiting upon them (for God's sake!). You need not stand next to him looking at his face all the time. Uska mooh taaknaa band karo! 
    • Be busy in your own world. You have a life of your own, remember? Stop behaving like a (loser) heroine from '80s/'90s movies.
    • When you already know that your husband is going to forget your birthday, its better to plan ahead and spend your birthday with close friends (girls' night out). No expectations, and hence, no tears. Simple! Load nahin lene ka. Take responsibility for your emotions and stop being dependent on others for your mental well-being.
    • Bhagwaan ke liye STOP MOTHERING HIM. You have married him, not adopted him. 
    • If he forget to do his laundry, let him wear the dirty clothes to work. 
    • Refuse to sleep with him if he does not bath, has foul breath, wears dirty underwear.
    • Be sarcastic and laugh off his childish issues. Poke fun of his domestic handicaps.
    • Stop being sweet, and asking "Are you OK?" every 5 min. It is his own responsibility to keep himself OK.
    • Why do we women compromise and pamper the ego of the "akdoo" man? Why are we dying to have men give us their attention? Leave them alone yaar. We should hold our own and stop worrying about "relationships" too much. 
    • Indian men should learn to make FRIENDS with Indian women, and vice-versa. Inability to make friends with the opposite sex is a severe social limitation, leading to a very sick society. 
    • Patriarchy is supported, practised, sustained, even enhanced; by none other than women : those women who are too hypnotized to come out of their comfort zones. Women who sleep-walk through their lives hypnotized by patriarchy, want other (younger) women also to surrender to it. (Isse baccho Behnaa!) If a woman changes her surname (without thinking), she encourages others also to do the same. The woman who was forced to deck herself with sindoor-mangalsutra-bangles, she later cannot stand her friend/sister/daughter not doing the same : she would advocate it vehemently. The mother-in-law is mean/critical of the daughter-in-law, since she herself faced it as a daughter-in-law (Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!). Women who have no life of their own, in the name of sati-savitri-pana, are simply jealous of women who have one (a rocking one). 
    C'mon Womankind.....come off it and release yourself from this vicious cycleIn a matriarchal society (think NE), men try to douse their inferiority complex by drinking and other drugs. In a patriarchal society, women compensate for their "lower" status by working hard (70% of the work according to ILO). So who is a better human being? In a patriarchal society, women are supposed to "behave themselves". If they don't, they are 'punished' with rape. Why don't Indians teach their sons to also behave themselves?
    Confident women are labeled as "tomboys", since men feel insecure before them. When I tell men I weight-train with 5 kg, they give their predictable embarrassed laugh. Insecurity, huh?
    Men say, "Women are our mothers, sisters, daughters". They should learn to say, "Women are our colleagues and compatriots"? The term "Mother India" is a gimmick, an eye-wash, a damage-control in this shamelessly patriarchal country. How many Indian men are sensitive to women's problems?

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    I wish every person becomes independent and self-reliant by the age of 22-23 : career, money, cooking, housekeeping, socialization, opinions, life decisions. But, if the world makes me wear the pants and be be in the drivers' seat all the time, I will gladly take others for a ride!

    1 comment:

    DEB said...

    Why do you like stereotyping so much? Please open up your eyes. Make your view broader. There are a varieties of men around. Nobody is perfect & with the same logic, nobody contains all those bad qualities at a time. Same thing applies for women as well. If anybody searches for a Mr/Mrs Perfect, he/she will just have to die searching. Please don't be so saddist, there are many good things in this world just like the bad ones. You will never know the glory of white until you see the black.
    Look, in this world, we never get anything ideal. So be practical - we all have to compromise to lead a happy life.
    P.S. - I believe in compromises from both people equally in a relation. Now don't stereotype this as well.