2023 Report (Second half) : Rejoining the Mainstream

 

After 12 long excruciating years in academia, I was beginning a new chapter of life. Moved to Chennai. It was a one-way journey after 4.5 years. It was a quantum jump, perhaps a recreation of myself into a new avatar. Joined Vestas Technology R&D Chennai Pvt. Ltd., as Lead Engineer, Loads and Controls Value Engineering. 

July 2023

After 48 hours after the final Stage 4 wind turbine site-visit at IIT Kharagpur and handing over the site keys to my promising junior colleague Dr. Chirodeep Bakli; I landed in Chennai on a one-way ticket, burnt out, with a broken body, and an exhausted mind. Reported to work on 10th July. Met my new manager (Bhalaji Subramanian), colleagues, and other team members. The company on-boarding was a nice, smooth process. Stayed in temporary accommodation in Hotel Park Plaza, Old Mahabalipuram Road; organized by the company. 

After 17 years, I was suddenly starting afresh. I was no longer in academia : and I could clearly see the difference. Here, people had my back. They were there to guide me, introduce me, support me, mentor me, inform me, check on me. They hand-held me into the 3-month-long technical onboarding process. My work timings were nicely fixed, with meetings lined up during the day. Professionalism was all around me. Everything was organized and sorted. There was not a single concocted activity during the working hours. What a beautiful work environment I got! There was no one behaving rudely, nor shouting, nor throwing attitude, nor being snooty, nor criticizing, nor judging. Unbelievably healthy minds were around me, working cooperatively. I always had company for lunch, which was new to me. 

Suddenly, for the first time in my career, there was work-life balance, which I had never known before. I did not work on weeknights and weekends, as I had been doing since I started my PhD in mid-2006. The office building had the ACs turned off at 530 PM, forcing us to go home. The moment I was out of the office, I did not have to think about work. Whoa! In the last 12 years, I had thought about work most of my waking time, which totals to about 20 years of a normal 9-to-5 job. Workaholism suddenly disappeared; and I had no withdrawal symptoms whatsoever. 

August 2023

Settled down in a beautiful airy 1350 sqft 3BHK in the 10th floor of a high-rise apartment complex, well connected to various parts of the city. The landlord was Mr. Guhan Kandaswamy, settled in Tunisia. All the rooms had a stunning view of the busy 200ft Thuraipakkam-Pallavaram road, reflecting against the Pallavaram lake (pictured below). Slowly unpacked my belongings over a month and settled down. Threw away junk from the past : donated it to my building staff one by one. Got acquainted with the electrician, plumber, cleaner, watchman, society manger, etc.

My mind remained blank for several weeks. After 17 years of holding my mind ransom in academia (doing research, writing papers, teaching classes, setting up R&D facilities, mentoring students, attending conferences, giving talks and guest lectures, doing administrative work), I was finally able to rest. Mentally rest. Quitting academia was the best decision of my life. The mind was relieved of the toxicity of a campus-bound academic career. I was starting a new life, in a new place, in a new career, surrounded by new people. There was nothing to remind me of my past.  I was once again breathing free. Everything was starting from scratch again. They say, 'life begins at 40'. I had dissolved everything from the past and had moved on, reclaiming my place in the world. 

I was not in a rush. I was hitting the reset button : I wanted my new life to unfold slowly and organically. Sab kuchh pichhe chod kar aayi thhi. The past was behind me : academia, relationships, pain, struggles, compromises, stress, pressure. The psychological wounds from my 12-year exile had just begun healing. I needed time. I wanted to do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing. I just wanted to let myself be. I just wanted to do the bare minimum to sustain myself, and then simply do nothing.

Met Deepak Jha, an engineer from Nordex and a PhD aspirant at IIT Madras; my LinkedIn acquaintance. 

I continued to suffer from back pain. I got a deep tissue massage : the professional told me I have very tight back muscles. Long drives and long sitting aggravated the problem. At the end of every work day, I would reach home at around 6 pm and crash : I somehow got up and had dinner. 

September 2023

My Big sister (Didi) planned to visit me at Chennai in my new apartment. I was excited to host her, but in 12 hours of her arrival, I suffered from a slip disc (L4-L5). Excruciating sciatica pain started in my right leg. I could no longer stand much. Near my house was the Dr. Rela Institute and Medical Centre, the 2nd best hospital in Chennai. We went there immediately and got an MRI done : the report was bad. The orthopedic asked to watch for 5 days before scheduling a surgery (micro-discectomy). Got almost bed-ridden with sciatica pain for 6 days, before being hospitalized one night in excruciating agony in the right leg. I felt the leg was being repeatedly electrocuted! Painkillers had stopped working for the last 8 hours. It was 1:30 AM at night that I called the emergency ambulance and was rushed to the hospital. My sister followed me in my car. In the emergency ward, after repeated painkiller drips failed, I was put on narcotic drugs to numb my right leg and alleviate the pain. Didi had a sleepless night doing the formalities. The next day, in the general ward, I was bedridden in intermittent pain, with my sister by my side all the time. It was another excruciating 24 hours before the surgery. When I finally woke up from the anesthesia, I noticed that the nerve pain was gone : only a tingling in my right thigh remained. I was shifted to a semi-private room. The next morning, I was helped to stand on my feet and walk in the room. Medicinal drips continued. A high-protein diet was recommended. By the evening, I was able to walk in the hospital corridor. The next day afternoon, I was discharged. Didi completed the formalities and drove me back home. She looked after me for another week, cooking nutritious meals and reminded me of my medicines. She even unpacked the last few relocation cartoons from KGP! I was able to walk around and be on my own by then. After my first post-op visit, Didi went back to Kolkata. I took the 3rd week off from work, recovering and regaining some strength. 

Visit of Rupeshkumar Verma, CMD of Oceanergy, Mumbai.

October 2023

Started working from home. My manager and colleagues were very supportive. They made sure I did not strain myself. Completed my tools and process training in 2 weeks, with ample support from my team members. Got a new ergonomic chair for my WFH setup. 

Visit of Amrita Mitra, my Chaddi-buddy, from Bengaluru, Manager (Business optimization), Adobe.

As my energy level slowly started to rise, I began looking forward to a new life. Finally I was relaxed and stress-free. Set up my home laptop (with big screen and printer). Deleted all 'order-in' apps. Planned a nice light diet with fruits and vegetables. Set up the treadmill in the study-room and started slow short walks (while taking breaks from work). Began morning yoga and light aerobics. Started having soaked almonds (04), peanuts (10), raisins (10) daily. Increased my (low-fat) milk intake to 450 ml per day. Water intake rose to 3 litres per day. I began to practice slow, mindful eating : I could not torture my body anymore. Meal sizes dropped. I was at peace. I was tranquil. Listened to beautiful meditation music as often as I could. Practiced deep breathing everyday, gazing out of my 10th floor bedroom window every morning overlooking the Pallavaram lake : I was actually heaving the much-awaited sighs of relief, grateful to my destiny to have finally made everything fall into place. After decades, I was beginning to savor life. It was high time that I deserved a settled, laid-back existence. I was no longer 'in the race'. I relaxed. After three months of shifting to a new job and a new city, I began seeing the first signs of recovery from my burnout. The psychological detoxification had began. I was no longer in a rush : I consciously slowed down everything. 

Began enjoying slow-paced movies like Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (2011) and Khubsoorat (2014).

But the emotional healing was yet to begin. I was starting on a fresh slate after decades. 

November 2023

Started making new friends. Went out on dates. Started getting acquainted with neighbors around.

Had back pain, on and off. Went to the hospital again. Took rest. Got better.

This quarter of the year saw a lot of mental catharsis : I was clearing my head of my past, changing equations with people, thinking about the future.

Hosted my junior colleague Md. Ishtiyak and his family for a few days, before he moved into his new rented apartment nearby.

December 2023

Witnessed cyclone Michaung. On December 4th, there were strong howling winds throughout the day. There was no grid power supply for ~24 hours : the society had a power backup which was almost running out. Internet connected restored 48 hours later.

Gave my first project presentation to my Manager, Tech. Lead, and my colleague. Got my confirmation, ending the probation period. 

Visited National Institute of Wind Energy (NIWE), and introduced myself to the Director-general, Dr. Rajesh Katyal.

I was still psychologically healing. Went for a meditation class : sadly it did not help. Relaxed a lot. Watched Mahabharat again. Cleared my head. Had long conversations with my father, Dhananjoy Datta. Received motivation to make new plans. 

Back pain returned again for a few days. I found I have to avoid long drives and treadmilling. Rested and got better. Started walking in my apartment complex premises in the evenings, enjoying the breeze and listening to motivational podcasts.

Stage 5 of the IIT KGP Wind Turbine Project picked up fast, with the digital twin beginning to take shape. The students used Matlab Simscape/Multi-body, and I supplied them with data to fine-tune it.

Re-connected with IIT Madras, Prof. Rajiv Sharma, Dept. of Ocean Engineering. Made plans of guest lectures.

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These six (06) months were just the beginning of my new life. Because I don't live the same 'year' again and again in every year of my life, I take a breather before starting a new chapter. Often, that lasts for 6-12 months. I could see that everything is slowly falling into place. Keeping a low profile, I kept the basics going on : my job, my wind turbine project, my health recovery, my mental rejuvenation, and networking.

The story of Nora.

-----Inspired from "The Call of the Wild" by Jack London, and "Dui Paakhi" by Rabindranath Tagore---

    Once upon a time, there was a small, beautiful, countryside village in a faraway land. It was surrounded by green farms and fields. The fields merged slowly into the wide abandoned grasslands and across the gushing mountain brook, became a thick forest. In the forest lived wild animals : lions, hyenas, jackals, deer, wild buffaloes, zebras; birds, rodents, and insects. The villagers never crossed the grasslands, because the wild animals often came to the brook to drink water. Sometimes, wild animals would stray into the grasslands for food, but then would retreat harmlessly back to the forest. Beyond the forest was a beautiful mountain range, etching the northern horizon of the village.
    The farmers grew crops; and ran dairy and poultry farms. In the growing season, they cultivated paddy, lentils, and vegetables. Every morning, they milked the cows and collected the eggs. There were domesticated animals like dogs and cats, too. Bakeries, smithing, and carpentry workshops also ran, often employing the village youth.

    In the village lived a kind-hearted middle-aged farmer named Dean, with his wife Alice. Dean worked in his small plot of land, growing vegetables. Alice often helped him during the planting and the harvesting seasons. Alice looked after their poultry farm, feeding grains to the hens and selling eggs. They worked hard during the day and spent their evenings with their 1-year-old cat Anna.
    One day, during his usual work in the farm, while removing the vegetable foliage, Dean found a new-born lion cub abandoned in the heap. It was lying alone, with her mother nowhere in sight. Whimpering softly, it looked cold and famished. Her eyes could barely open. Dean called Alice from the poultry farm and showed her the cub. They picked her up and brought her home. Dean got a small box of hay to warm her, and Alice gave her milk. Anna the cat circled around the hay as the cub became content and was soon fast asleep. They named her Nora.

    Nora the lion cub began growing in the warmth of a home. Anna and Nora played with each other and became friends. Neighbors were amazed at how a lion cub is growing up in a village. Anna, being older, often taught Nora to run up and down the stairs, to bite, to claw up a shrub, to jump over logs of wood, clean her paws and ears. Alice tied beautiful ribbons around their necks. Everyone said, 'Dean and Alice have two children'. Anna was taller than Nora, and often licked Nora's head and pawed her shoulders. When Anna circled around Dean's feet, Nora sat on Alice's lap. Anna sprinted her way around the house, while Nora followed her cautiously. Anna led, Nora followed. Soon, Nora began to walk like Anna, eat like Anna, sleep like Anna, play like Anna. But when Anna mewed, Nora softly growled. Everyone remembered that Nora was a lion. 

    Several months passed. Alice and Dean took Anna and Nora to the poultry or the fields during the day. The felines played around as their parents worked. Food was given to Nora along with Anna. Soon she became taller and stronger than Anna. Nora would now lick Anna's head and paw her shoulders. She began outrunning Anna, and breaking twigs which Anna could not. Nora would run towards the edge of the village towards the grasslands. Anna strolled within the farm, watching Nora sprint a circuit until Alice called her back. Nora returned and again became a 'cat' like Anna.
    As the adolescent Nora began spending more time outdoors, her instincts woke, and she began yearning for the wild. She often ran to the grasslands to play rough-and-tumble, and returned home only when Dean called her back in the evening, screaming her name from the paddy field towards the north. Nora got wild flowers for Alice. One day, she reached the brook on her own and took a splashy bath in it. Soon, she was able to chase a hyena and smack it (Anna had never taught her to chase a mouse in the village). She began enjoying her wild unrestricted ways, growing confident in the wild. She began realizing that she was a lion : she was different from Anna. 

    As Nora grew bigger and stronger, Dean, Alice, and Anna began to get uncomfortable in her presence. She needed a larger box of hay to sleep in, and more food. Anna could still climb on the lap of Alice or Dean, but Nora was too big for them. Yet, they were known as the only family in the village owning a lion! They wanted Nora around, but not in the scale that Nora was turning out to be. The farm dogs were now wary of Nora : she towered over them. As her carnivorous instincts rose, Nora killed a rooster in the poultry. Alice and Dean were fuming that day. Nora was thoroughly reprimanded for her 'uncivilized' behavior. Anna smiled, later telling Nora that she had never been rebuked like this. Though being a carnivore herself, Anna never scratched another human or animal in the village. She always ate only when food was given to her by Alice or Dean. She advised Nora to mend her ways.
    Nora, however, did not know what wrong she did. But she understood that killing another animal would not be acceptable in the human village. Nora did not like Anna's mewing, docile ways. She began growing apart from Anna. She began running away more often to the grasslands, where the grazing wild buffaloes and zebras often became her feast for days. She noticed that the raw meat with blood was tastier than the cooked food that Alice had been feeding her. One day, she carried her unfinished game back home, for her family to feast on. Alice and Dean threw a house party with that. 

    The next year, Anna had kittens in the corner of the poultry farm. She got busy looking after them. Alice and Dean began tending to her tiny grandchildren, and Nora was instructed to stay away from them. Nora left her busy family and began spending more time in the grasslands, sometimes crossing the brook to reach the forest. She would return home after enjoying a whole day in her natural habitat, getting tanned rolling in the open grasslands, soaking in the brook, or chasing wild buffaloes in the forest. Anna settled down as a familiar house-cat, and became almost disconnected from Nora. The feline friendship withered as their lives diverged. 

    By now, Nora was an adult lion. She was large enough that Dean could ride her with along with Alice. They had heard of the brook and the forest from Nora, and wished to see it (they knew they were safe with Nora alongside them). Nora was glad to oblige, wanting to take her parents into her own world. The word spread that Dean and Alice would be first in the village to explore the wild north. One day, Nora carried them majestically on her back to the grasslands. Dean and Alice had a long wonderful ride, as the whole village watched. Crossing the grasslands, Nora jumped across the brook into the forest, and brought back fresh honey for Alice and Dean. As they fished in the brook, Nora stood guard from the wild animals. As the sun set, Nora carried them back to the village. The whole neighborhood had a share of the honey, and toasted the couple for owning a lion.

    But back home, once the honey was over, they felt increasingly alienated from Nora. They wanted a cat in her, like Anna. The battle of Nature vs. Nurture had begun long before anyone realized. Alice began losing her temper and telling Nora, "Why cannot you behave like Anna?" She could not accept that Nora was 'bigger' than their house, 'bigger' than their farm, maybe even 'bigger' than the village. As Nora continued her lion ways, Dean knew the futility of trying to tame her. He tried to convince Alice, who reluctantly found solace in turning her attention towards Anna and the kittens. But as Nora became stronger, wilder, and fed herself in the forest, even Dean began getting insecure. Nora was beyond their expectations. He and Alice wanted the grassland rides, the wild games, the salmon from the brook, and the forest goodies through Nora, and the fame of being a lion-owner; but did not want to not pay the price. 

    Nora loved her foster parents, and wanted to make them happy. She also wanted to 'belong', having known Dean, Alice and Anna as her 'family' since birth. For sometime, she tried to be a Cat. She stopped going to the grasslands. She feigned meekness, stopped growling, ate only when Alice or Dean fed her, did not chase any rooster or dog, and stayed within the confines of the village. She attended to her parents as they worked in the field and in the poultry farm; and in the evening, sat at their feet. Alice and Dean seemed to be at ease. Alice told Anna that Nora was no longer a danger to her kittens. Anna, once again, warmed up to Nora. Staying in the village bored Nora, but she spent time fondling and warming Anna's kittens in the farm hay. She had long conversations with Anna. She told Anna, "I have seen wild cats in the forest, who hunt their prey, climb trees, run in the wild. Don't you want to try that?" Anna said, "I am safe and content in the village. I get food at the right time without moving a paw, and a warm bed to sleep in. I like it this way". Nora said, "The forest is so exciting". Anna said, "I am comfortable in a warm human home". Nora said, "Wild cats snarl at their enemies and chase them". Anna said, "I mew on cue. I please everyone and have no enemies". Nora said, "I cannot growl on cue!" Anna said, "Why don't you learn to mew instead?" Nora rested her case.

    The villagers still remained cautious of her, but began treating her somewhat like Anna. They gave her treats, which Nora pretended to enjoy and be thankful for. But as weeks went by, this facade stifled Nora, who longed to return her natural habitat. She had lost her strength and the spark in her eyes. She had forgotten to roar and snarl. Trying to be a Cat was frustrating her. She wanted to sprint in the grasslands, not stroll around the village. She wanted to chase her dinner, not wait to be served.  When the villagers petted her like they did the sweet mewing Anna, she nearly wanted to bite their hands! She wanted to be treated as a Lion, which she was. The domestic animals were controlled by their humans. Nora was longing for an unleashed life in the wild. She was determined to be herself. She was no longer sad of losing her foster family : she realized they will love her only if she behaved like a cat. 

    One night, she tore the ribbon around her neck with her sharp claws, and ran to the North. Crossing the grasslands, when she reached the brook, she panted and heaved a sigh of relief. She plunged into the water and soaked for a while. Rinsing away her past, she rose and looked at the sky. She told herself firmly, "This is my home from now". She began sleeping in the forest at night, and returned to the village only once in a few weeks. She began meeting her own species near the brook : the pride of lions soaked together in the waters and stretched their limbs, grooming each other. She began hunting with the pride, and sharing the game with them. She befriended other lionesses, grooming their cubs. She even had fought with a few lions, scaring them away from the little ones. She moved with them, having found her tribe. Running and fighting made her strength return, and her eyes sparkled in the thrill of it. In no time, she found her mate. She found her own den to settle, where her mate visited her. 

    As her returns became fewer and far between, Dean and Alice gave up on Nora. Anna's kittens had grown, and they began spending their evenings with them. One summer, Nora returned for one final time to bid goodbye to her foster family and the village; and ran majestically to the North; and lived in the forest happily ever after........