"Men may be physically stronger than us, but we women are mentally stronger, we work longer hours, we have more patience, more emotional resilience. We are more mature and we keep the family together". Blah. Blah. Blah.
Cut the crap and for once, Think! If men do not respect women, there must be some real, solid, logical reason. You cannot live in denial : 3+ billion males on this planet cannot be wrong at the same time, all the time. Right? There must be some reason why the things are the way they are. Have you heard these often? "Men should always respect women". "Be a gentleman and show respect for a lady". Of course! Men are being artificially instructed to respect women, because they are not doing it organically (naturally). You cannot force someone to respect you. Women screaming all over the world "Men should learn to treat women with respect", etc. will continue to be met with disappointment; again, and again, and again.
Men (or for that matter, women) cannot respect women (or for that matter, men) who cannot command respect. Respect is earned, and absolutely nothing else. Respect comes when the giver considers you respect-worthy. You cannot drill respect into his brain. If you are not independent, you will NOT be respected. Period. Do something respect-worthy and admirable, and respect will come in (before you know it), irrespective of your age/status/position.
At the very outset, let us burst the motherhood bubble. Many people teach their children/ students that respect women because they can give birth. Please! You cannot be respected for biological tasks. Do you get respect for digestion?! Then why should you get it for reproduction?! You are not your reproductive system. You are your total self, your being, your brain, your credentials, your thoughts, your ideals, your nature, your professional prowess, and your financial power.
Physical power is the pristine definition of power since life started on earth. No questions about that! Respect for muscle power continues to remain subconscious and instinctive, outdoing everything else from a very basic level. It is high time women make peace with this fact, and start making her physical body strong. Sounds immature? OK fine. Don't do it! And the society will continue to play Nirbhaya-Nirbhaya with you. We all know that crimes-against-women won't stop by legislation : they will stop only when the potential rapist knows he will be thrashed by the strong target. There is no point in taking the rapist to court after you get raped. The court will not undo the rape. It will only increase your own insult. You have to defend yourself by playing the victim-card. But wait! Why should you again cause a vertical power dynamic? And the court will try to reverse the power dynamic as a compensation, a damage-control! Cut the crap! If you are a smart woman, don't you want the damage to not happen in the first place?
Even if you leave aside extremes, look at everyday life. Lack of muscular power will always have you requesting for masculine help in carrying the suitcase, pulling the sofa, opening the dabba, checking the overhead tank, cleaning the garden, jacking your car. Now the moment you 'request' (for tasks which you can be capable of doing yourself), you reduce to a 'lower' position, and the other person rises 'higher' to a higher. There is a tilt in the power balance. You in-debt yourself to him, and he becomes your benefactor. This keeps happening again and again. It is a long-term polarization process. Over a period of time, you have allowed the man to swagger before you. He starts talking more condescendingly with you. He helps you in physically challenging tasks and simultaneously pities over your non-existent muscles. His body language gets cockier. His behavior becomes more patronizing, reducing you to a juvenile status in his eyes. Now it is a vertical he-up-you-down power dynamic. Who is responsible? YOU!
There is nothing un-feminine or un-womanly about weight-training. Such colloquial unwritten notions are patriarchal. The truth is that men discourage women from weight-training because men usually get intimidated by strong and gutsy women. They opt for tender and timid-looking (non-threatening) women to feel ego-secure. The muscular well-shaped body with a formidable posture, confident gait, tight skin, and steady well-coordinated controlled limb movements inspires respect immediately : the brain got wired like that in millions of years of evolution (Think Serena Williams). Physical power inspires confidence and admiration in others. It is so instinctive and reflexive. Somehow we always knew that, right? Only that no one articulated it out during our growing years. Don't you like a hardy car over a luxury car? Don't you like heavy wooden/metallic furniture over light plastic ones? Do you want the CEO of our company/Director of your institute to look like a well-built healthy strong energetic charismatic person or a thin slow lethargy-emanating weakling? (If s/he cannot look after him/herself, how will s/he look after the organization?). Do you want the plants in your garden to grow into strong healthy trees or remain stick-thin? Think how splendid a powerful horse looks running! Think Sunidhi Chauhan's powerful voice! Think Hrithik Roshan's powerful dance moves! Why is the movie Bahubali such a juggernaut phenomenon? A powerful appearance is attractive. Human beings instinctively want power and energy dripping out from everywhere. In biological terms, it translates to sparkling health. Health is not just absence of disease. It is also the ability to survive and thrive, and be (mostly) immune to physical/ biological harm.
Children were taught that 'boys are stronger' and that 'girls are the weaker sex'. Therefore the girls did not bother to train their muscles. Any girl lifting a dumbell was laughed at with sniggers : "You can never catch up with the boys, girl!" Sports didn't get encouraged in girls' schools, at least not in India. Muscles were termed 'unattractive' to the prospective suitor, and thus, for matrimonial prospects, women avoided the gym. Lady-like women forgot that they can run, too. They depended on men to lift the suitcases and push the furniture, while they did the flower arrangement. When they needed to change the LPG cylinder, they went looking for the strong male: "Can you please do this for me?" Appearing helpless with a support-seeking gaze was oh-so-heroine-sorts! Their whole life was spent like this. As a consolation prize, they were taught that 'women are better in verbal and social skills', 'women are more patient, forgiving, resilient'. Yawn!
Men (or for that matter, women) cannot respect women (or for that matter, men) who cannot command respect. Respect is earned, and absolutely nothing else. Respect comes when the giver considers you respect-worthy. You cannot drill respect into his brain. If you are not independent, you will NOT be respected. Period. Do something respect-worthy and admirable, and respect will come in (before you know it), irrespective of your age/status/position.
At the very outset, let us burst the motherhood bubble. Many people teach their children/ students that respect women because they can give birth. Please! You cannot be respected for biological tasks. Do you get respect for digestion?! Then why should you get it for reproduction?! You are not your reproductive system. You are your total self, your being, your brain, your credentials, your thoughts, your ideals, your nature, your professional prowess, and your financial power.
Men respect those women who are a combo of muscle+money+brain powers, and these are not mutually exclusive. The three aspects of you which need a makeover, in order to gain respect from the world, are as follows :
- Physical change.
- Financial change.
- Attitude change.
Physical power is the pristine definition of power since life started on earth. No questions about that! Respect for muscle power continues to remain subconscious and instinctive, outdoing everything else from a very basic level. It is high time women make peace with this fact, and start making her physical body strong. Sounds immature? OK fine. Don't do it! And the society will continue to play Nirbhaya-Nirbhaya with you. We all know that crimes-against-women won't stop by legislation : they will stop only when the potential rapist knows he will be thrashed by the strong target. There is no point in taking the rapist to court after you get raped. The court will not undo the rape. It will only increase your own insult. You have to defend yourself by playing the victim-card. But wait! Why should you again cause a vertical power dynamic? And the court will try to reverse the power dynamic as a compensation, a damage-control! Cut the crap! If you are a smart woman, don't you want the damage to not happen in the first place?
Even if you leave aside extremes, look at everyday life. Lack of muscular power will always have you requesting for masculine help in carrying the suitcase, pulling the sofa, opening the dabba, checking the overhead tank, cleaning the garden, jacking your car. Now the moment you 'request' (for tasks which you can be capable of doing yourself), you reduce to a 'lower' position, and the other person rises 'higher' to a higher. There is a tilt in the power balance. You in-debt yourself to him, and he becomes your benefactor. This keeps happening again and again. It is a long-term polarization process. Over a period of time, you have allowed the man to swagger before you. He starts talking more condescendingly with you. He helps you in physically challenging tasks and simultaneously pities over your non-existent muscles. His body language gets cockier. His behavior becomes more patronizing, reducing you to a juvenile status in his eyes. Now it is a vertical he-up-you-down power dynamic. Who is responsible? YOU!
There is nothing un-feminine or un-womanly about weight-training. Such colloquial unwritten notions are patriarchal. The truth is that men discourage women from weight-training because men usually get intimidated by strong and gutsy women. They opt for tender and timid-looking (non-threatening) women to feel ego-secure. The muscular well-shaped body with a formidable posture, confident gait, tight skin, and steady well-coordinated controlled limb movements inspires respect immediately : the brain got wired like that in millions of years of evolution (Think Serena Williams). Physical power inspires confidence and admiration in others. It is so instinctive and reflexive. Somehow we always knew that, right? Only that no one articulated it out during our growing years. Don't you like a hardy car over a luxury car? Don't you like heavy wooden/metallic furniture over light plastic ones? Do you want the CEO of our company/Director of your institute to look like a well-built healthy strong energetic charismatic person or a thin slow lethargy-emanating weakling? (If s/he cannot look after him/herself, how will s/he look after the organization?). Do you want the plants in your garden to grow into strong healthy trees or remain stick-thin? Think how splendid a powerful horse looks running! Think Sunidhi Chauhan's powerful voice! Think Hrithik Roshan's powerful dance moves! Why is the movie Bahubali such a juggernaut phenomenon? A powerful appearance is attractive. Human beings instinctively want power and energy dripping out from everywhere. In biological terms, it translates to sparkling health. Health is not just absence of disease. It is also the ability to survive and thrive, and be (mostly) immune to physical/ biological harm.
Children were taught that 'boys are stronger' and that 'girls are the weaker sex'. Therefore the girls did not bother to train their muscles. Any girl lifting a dumbell was laughed at with sniggers : "You can never catch up with the boys, girl!" Sports didn't get encouraged in girls' schools, at least not in India. Muscles were termed 'unattractive' to the prospective suitor, and thus, for matrimonial prospects, women avoided the gym. Lady-like women forgot that they can run, too. They depended on men to lift the suitcases and push the furniture, while they did the flower arrangement. When they needed to change the LPG cylinder, they went looking for the strong male: "Can you please do this for me?" Appearing helpless with a support-seeking gaze was oh-so-heroine-sorts! Their whole life was spent like this. As a consolation prize, they were taught that 'women are better in verbal and social skills', 'women are more patient, forgiving, resilient'. Yawn!
Weight : Men tease women about body weight because women get teased by it. Women are so conscious of their body weight that they mostly dread the weighing machine. I have never seen a woman objectively stepping on the weighing machine or declaring her weight. Mostly I have seen women stepping on it nervously and apprehensively, and quickly stepping down with a grumpy face. Wow! The male-dominated society gave another reason for women to feel "not good enough". Time to change your perspective. Her it goes. A smaller animal is always scared of a larger animal. Check your class 4 science book. Weight is a force. Force overcomes resistance. Your superior weight will scare half the rapists away. Poor weight and muscle leads to an under-confident body language, and lo! The rapist has sensed an easy target! Why do you think in Mahabharata, people were scared of Bheema? Because of his huge body (muscular) weight : as simple as that! (For a fair game, wrestlers and boxers are grouped by weight slabs.)
Being fat and out-of-shape are one and the same thing. Body shape comes only from muscles (see above). Toning needs the elimination of fat. You are not becoming 'manly' by weight-training. Actually, you are becoming more womanly. (1) A strong chest will hold the breasts better. (2) A strong lower body will ease, or even eliminate, menstrual cramps. (3) A strong core will make childbirth easier. (4) A strong back and arms will let you carry your child easily.
Tips :
- Read this before you start. The density of unit mass muscle fibre is the same for both genders. Men are stronger since they have more lean mass. So you need to put on muscle weight. Simple! You also get an increased bone density, to carry you own weight.
- Follow a 3-day split : (a) Legs and Glutes, (b) Chest-Shoulders-Arms, (c) Back-Abs-Core. Separate the days with a day of HIIT cardio in between. Relax on Sunday with Yoga.
- Train for 50-60 min per day. Leave aside everything and make this a priority in your routine.
- Hold the back erect, in the perfect shape of the spinal cord. All other muscles will perform in the best form. Animals have strong backs since they are four-legged, where the back is supporting the suspended body weight (including all organs).
- If the gym trainer asks you to focus on cardio, turn a deaf ear. If he (female trainers will encourage you to do weight training) asks you to lift lighter weights, again turn a deaf ear.
- Beat yourself out in the gym like a beast. Push HARD! Pull HARD! Let your face contort in effort. Let the skin redden. Scream if you must, but push. Ignore wardrobe malfunctions : that is just too common in a gym and seriously, no one cares.
- Eat protein. If you are 70 kgs, eat at least 70g of protein per day, more if it is your weight-training day.
2) Financial change
You cannot, cannot, just cannot, gain respect if you don't earn your own money. This is non-negotiable. Your financial power is your backbone. It is actually your 'field', i.e., the area over which your sovereignty works. If you are financially dependent on your husband, you are in his field. It is similar to an electron (you) being bound in the field of a proton (man), and continuously (submissively) revolving around it. It can escape the field only after gaining more energy(power). That is why you got transferred from you father's house and now living in your husband's house (Kanyadaan), just like and electron gets transferred when two atoms bond. A penniless woman is always in a male field for survival. That led to the concept of "Streedhan" to ensure her survival. But, Streedhan is not earned, it is gifted. A gift implies a vertical power dynamic again. It is showered upon you for free. What should you take it? Where is your self-esteem that you will enjoy Dhan gifted by others? Don't you want to earn your own Dhan? When you earn your own money, it is a horizontal power dynamic between you and the employer. Both the parties need each other and it is a symbiotic win-win professional relationship.
If you are 50% of the world population doing 70% of the world's work, why should you allow men to earn 90% of the world salary and own 99% of the world property? Stop your own exploitation. Stop sweating it out and start collecting your dues and rewards. Respect your own effort and make sure to deservedly collect its compensation, before putting in more effort. Do not cheapen your labor. Do not move a finger unless money in on the table.
If you are 50% of the world population doing 70% of the world's work, why should you allow men to earn 90% of the world salary and own 99% of the world property? Stop your own exploitation. Stop sweating it out and start collecting your dues and rewards. Respect your own effort and make sure to deservedly collect its compensation, before putting in more effort. Do not cheapen your labor. Do not move a finger unless money in on the table.
Have you seen women eat less? Because they are ashamed of eating too much (actually normal quantities). In the earlier generations, they were even ashamed of announcing that they are hungry, since they didn't earn the food. They ate last and ate the leftovers, after the men had eaten and burped and left the dining table. If they wanted a quick snack, they hid in the kitchen/storeroom and ate. They would never cook anything only for themselves. A woman having a good relaxed meal would earn her comments like "Maharani abhi khaa rahi hain". Also, women eat after the men. They will first serve the men as a compensatory display of gratitude, since the men are the bread-winners. Time to change the perspective again : here it goes. Let's be objective : if a woman earns her own money, she can eat normally and not shyly. She does not need anyone's permission to eat. She can eat the quantity she wants, at the time she wants, and the dish she wants, cooked in the recipe she wants. This goes a long way in ensuring women's health, nutrition, growth, longevity, immunity, well-being, strength, agility, fitness, endurance. If both the spouses financially run the house, they can both sit down together and eat as equals. No one needs to role-play as a waiter.
Have you seen many women marry for money? A man's salary/income is the main criterion of his eligibility in the marriage market. Now, if you push up men on the pedestal of a provider, he will continue to treat you as a 'lower' creature : again a vertical power dynamic! You will keep slogging like a maid-servant and he will be your master. (The opposite is also true : an ordinary man marrying a rich heiress is treated like a loser by his in-laws). Many men win over a (beautiful) lady into marriage with money power. Insecure husbands try to bolster their empty ego by ignoring/overlooking the financial ability of their wives and insisting on running the house with only "his" money, and save "hers" for "pocket money" : he is basically wanting to sustain the vertical power dynamic.
History shows that the wealth-generating India was not able to protect itself from foreign looters. A woman's earning power will make little change in the power dynamics if you do not control it and use it according to your own wish. If your salary gets credited to your father's/husband's bank account, you do not have the control over your own hard-earned wealth. This is an exploitative situation. You should have the control over how much you spend and how much you save. After that, you must know where to invest your wealth for handsome returns. You must know how to get tax benefits on your IT. If the money you earned is simply considered as a 'supplement' to the family-income by the family men, it should hurt your self-esteem. If it doesn't, you are simply a financial assistant.
History shows that the wealth-generating India was not able to protect itself from foreign looters. A woman's earning power will make little change in the power dynamics if you do not control it and use it according to your own wish. If your salary gets credited to your father's/husband's bank account, you do not have the control over your own hard-earned wealth. This is an exploitative situation. You should have the control over how much you spend and how much you save. After that, you must know where to invest your wealth for handsome returns. You must know how to get tax benefits on your IT. If the money you earned is simply considered as a 'supplement' to the family-income by the family men, it should hurt your self-esteem. If it doesn't, you are simply a financial assistant.
3) Attitude change
- Remember you are contributing to the GDP. The land is as much yours as men's. You pay your taxes to the government. The public property is as much yours as men's. So walk confidently in public with back straight and chin up. Stand on your nation's soil with your feet heavily planted on it. No one has to right to scare you off. No one can sideline you. No one can corner you. No one can ogle/whistle at you. No one can cause you to passively smoke. Use public property liberally : don't rush home by 6 pm with your vagina. You don't need anyone's permission to stand firmly on the ground or move around confidently, occupying your rightful place under the sun.
- Be more mobile, well over the place. Make your presence felt. When you approach, people should instinctively and reflexively think "Madam aa rahi hain". Hold your ground, literally. Don't assume 'men are superior' and hence 'have more rights'. You paid your taxes, remember? Don't let any masculine movement involuntarily shift you to the sides / corners of the table / office / room / hall / bus / train compartment / auditorium / board room / gym / park.
- If you think men are bosses, they will anyways boss over you. If you are clueless about how the world works, and men know it, they will treat you like a child. So leave the TV serial/salon trip/kitty party aside and get to know how the nation is running.
- If you follow the traditional social norms which men made (for their own advantage), you are sending the signal that you are playing the game according to his rules. Your predictability causes you to lose respect. Make your own rules and stick to them. Have your own life. You are not an assistant to men. You think about your husband's agenda and he think's about his own agenda, then where is your own agenda?
- Do not allow anyone to swagger before you. If a man tells you something you already know (mansplaining), tell him calmly "I know that". Don't be under the impression that others know more than you : definitely not in this information age. Question men. Don't take their opinions as gospel truths. Don't give others an easy walkover : they should be slightly skeptical about having to convince you. Be a bit hard a nut to crack. Be honest and don't be swayed by his judgments. Don't disguise your statements as questions. You are entitled your opinion. And don't explain your stand too much. Stop taking 'permission' to say or do things. Just say or do what you have planned. It is up to others to deal with it. Don't wait for others' reactions. Speak clearly and firmly. Don't be scared that "oh-no someone is going to interrupt me in two seconds!". People don't interrupt if you are making sense. A room full of boys will not interrupt a lone girl if she is speaking something important, intelligent and substantial (incessant personal experience in 30 years)
- Shake hands firmly with a man, like an equal. He is not doing a favor to you by extending his hand. He has come for a deal. Let him feel your power and presence. Make strong eye contact, and smile only slightly. Speak loudly enough, but lower your pitch. Baser tones instinctively command authority. Higher pitch tends to be associated with juveniles. Dress in darker, solid colors of thicker crisper material, i.e., power dress. Look a bit formidable. If you create a weaker first look / impression, people need only 10 seconds to dismiss you off!
- Stop working so hard and sweating it out. Chill. Don't take more than your share of the workload or responsibility, whether at home or at work. Let others drag their own weight. Stop being motherly and bailing people out of trouble with your 'love and care'. Loving others is not your womanly duty : people need to earn your love. Let people suffer for their own mistakes. Do not allow others to inconvenience you : patience should have a limit. Keep a threshold and then pull the plug.
- Keep people dependent on you. No one respects a person who is unnecessary. If no one needs you for anything, you will be ignored royally. Make yourself important and resourceful. People should have it at the back of their minds "Madam se poochho, unko maaloom hain", or "Madam ko bolo, kaam ho jaayega". Raise yourself to command such repute with your hard work. Don't exhaust your stock all at one time : the beneficiary will turn the back to the well one the thirst is quenched. Do not do anything thanklessly. Always calculate what you are gaining from the deal. Your are not born to be a martyr. Do not let anyone take you for granted. Apna Chutiya katwana band karo!
- Be aware of the tricks the male-dominated work environment will be playing with you. E.g., you might say something legitimate, and surprisingly the listener sees offended! He is only acting offended to imply that 'you are acting inappropriately', and actually signaling you to back off. Do not buy into this façade. Stick to what you had to say. Others need to get out of the comfort zones and deal with you. People might interrupt just for the sake of it. Such presumptuous people are very common. They are subconsciously trying to tame a confident woman. Politely yet firmly say, "Let me complete". Don't appear to be working too hard : it will give the illusion that you are trying to "prove" you are "good enough" in a man's world. Men may use the guilt-tripping tactic against you. Don't feel guilty of not doing your best all the time, whether at home or at work. People might shorten you name, or use only your first name throughout, intending a trivializing attitude. Don't let it happen at work. Razia Sultana had to dress as a man to appear convincing in court. Sushma Swaraj did not need to. But that does not mean that human instincts have changed (much). In the 21st century, the socio-power dynamic game has to be far more subtle. Therefore, formulate your strategies before throwing your hat into the ring.
- Now let's move to the bedroom. Yes, it is a place of pristine power dynamics. If you always use the missionary position in bed, the man gets the vibe that he is "doing" and you are "being done to". It is again a vertical power dynamic, quite in the literal sense. People colloquially talk like this : "He is doing her". It is insulting, very insulting. You have been reduced to an object. You started this whole equation by waiting : waiting for attention, waiting to be asked out, waiting to be called up, waiting to be given gifts, waiting to be courted/wooed, waiting to be kissed, waiting to be said "I love you", waiting to be proposed, waiting for sexual pleasure. Why did you always keep yourself in the receiving position? You have been sending the idea that "love" is something a man 'gives' and a woman 'receives'. You have been an ovum waiting patiently for the sperm to come to you! You have reduced yourself to obey (only) the reproduction flow-chart! You also dress up and put make-up and wear jewelry to attract the sperm quickly! No wonder men don't treat you like equals, because they begin to assume that you have no other role to play! Reverse this inter-personal dynamic. Stop ignoring your genuine feelings. If you like a guy, tell him. Ask him out. Show interest in knowing him. You can be the first to express your feelings. If you are in a solid relationship, you can propose, too. You can take initiative for making love. Respecting your own desires and taking care of your own choices makes you respect-worthy. Taking the lead makes you admirable. In order to reverse the "he is doing her" dynamic, you have to 'do'. You cannot lying on your back all the while like a biology laboratory specimen. Be fair to men : why should he be doing a cardio workout as you half-sleep? Sex is not something owed to you : your partner is not your servant serving you sexual pleasure. Get up and be active. You have the right to pursue happiness. Neither are you his servant, catering him your anatomy. Sex is not a hospital operation, and you are not the patient. After sex, don't lie like a blessed oh-so-grateful sub-creature. Get up and eat something: you have spent lots of calories.
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In a nutshell : Take full responsibility of your life. Be in the driver's seat. Your life should be your life, not someone else's. Live your life to the fullest, exactly the way you want. Raise your standards. Snap out of the comfort zone. Refuse consolation prizes. Refuse anything you have not earned.
In a nutshell : Take full responsibility of your life. Be in the driver's seat. Your life should be your life, not someone else's. Live your life to the fullest, exactly the way you want. Raise your standards. Snap out of the comfort zone. Refuse consolation prizes. Refuse anything you have not earned.
