The Vish-Vruksha of Patriarchy : Chapter 3 (Biology)

Continued from Chapter 2.

This will a pretty simple chapter. I feel embarrassed to write this, because everyone already knows it since high school. The problem is, most people are seen to be not quite conscious of scientific knowledge, and would rather repeat traditional dialogues of the older generations (who did not have the knowledge). (Well, there exists a difference between 'gathering knowledge' and 'internalizing it').

Let's get down to business. An egg has 23 chromosomes. A sperm has 23 chromosomes. They meet and produce a full human being with 46 chromosomes. So why is the sperm worshipped and the egg ignored? That is easy to explain. Seeing is believing. The semen is visible, and people know that it as a gene-carrier. But they have not seen the egg, and hence, have no clue about its existence. They know the uterus, which grows big in pregnancy for everyone to see. (BTW, I have not seen my heart/pancreas, but I know it exists). 

Traditional psyche holds the notion that "Akaash ka beej Dharti mein phut-ta hain", that the father is the sky and the mother is the earth. Drawing an analogy with farming in an agricultural society, Indian culture thinks that "the sperm (alone) becomes a baby in the womb". Here is a catch that we missed out. If the egg (ovum) was unnecessary, the sperm and the womb could have been in the same body! The male body could itself carry the baby. Why does the sperm need to transferred to the female body? Because the egg, the biggest cell, is there. We missed the elephant in the room! But why have the egg? Why cannot the sperm itself be armed with 46 chromosomes and grow into a full human being? Well, Nature is intelligent. It knows that sexual reproduction is genetically flexible as compared to vegetative propagation. It is doing its own genetic engineering for millions of years to improve the species. 

Even the Western societies thought that the "male's bun" gets baked in the "female's oven"! They did not know that hiding inside the oven is another half-bun, which must meet the males half-bun (not full bun) in the oven. Otherwise the male half-bun will die and be chucked out of the oven in a month at most. Bottomline : Respect the Egg. Respect its 23 chromosomes. Stop denying its existence. You cannot see the egg, because a mammal does not lay eggs like others species (fish, amphibians, reptiles, insects, birds). But this is not an excuse to be blissfully unaware of its existence. 

This ignorance made the male think that he was propagating his own lineage. He did not know that half of the off-spring's genetics come from the mother. He wanted a son to inherit his property. He began blaming the female for delivering a girl! Ok listen. Out of the 2x23 pairs = 46 chromosomes in a human, there is one pair of sex chromosomes. Females have XX chromosomes as the 23rd pair, and males have XY. The mother's egg can provide only an X chromosome to the offspring. It is the father's sperm who either gives X to produce a daughter, or gives Y to produce a son. 

In a typical 28-day menstrual cycle, there is only a 24-hour window, roughly at the middle of the cycle, when the woman ovulates and carries a live ovum (egg). A sperm deposited in her cervix can stay alive for 2-3 days, and travels to meet the egg. An ovum can stay alive for 24 hours only. Thus, having sex during the fertile window, i.e., during Day 11-14 of the cycle can lead to pregnancy. Otherwise the egg and the sperms both die and are drained out in the next menses. The uterus gets fresh again for the next cycle. On any of the remaining 24 days of the cycle, the sperm barely stands a chance! 

Lineage, derived from the word 'line', should actually be replaced with 'descendency', which is not linear, but exponential. A man knows he got his Y-Chromosome from his father; who, in turn, got it from his own father, and so on. Thus, Y-chromosome-based lineage is linear, and is very easy to understand and track. This explains why surnames are owned by males, to be imposed on Y-less females (without their permission). A man knows he got his X-Chromosome from his mother, but she could have gotten it from either her mother or her father. So the X-Chromosome could not be tracked, and hence matrilineage was vague. But coming to the basic question : why was the lineage information at all required? Read Chapter 1 : to transfer personal property. Meritocracy gave way to nepotism. Monarchy became hereditary. Professions ran in families. This has been the norm in every civilization.  It is only recently that democracy is running most of the world. 

Remember, we have talked about only one pair of chromosomes, i.e., the sex chromosomes. The rest of the 22 pairs can be coming from any of the ancestors. Every individual has two (02) parents, four (04) grandparents, eight (08) great-grandparents, sixteen (16) great-great grandparents, and so on. Your 46 chromosomes can come any of the previous seven (07) generations, consisting of 2-raised-to-the-power-seven = 64 individuals. You can get your cancer / diabetes / hair / height / fat distribution / etc. from your father's mother's father's mother, or from your mother's father's mother's father.  

The male insecurity about his progeny reached amusing levels. He was seen doubting "Yeh bachcha mera hain?" Dude, why were you not around your pregnant wife to confirm this information? You were busy showing off your archery skills and muscle power to other men in sports and wars. Therefore you confined the females in the house (as your reproductive slave) to prevent her from mating with someone else! You stopped her from going out of the house and claim her own place under the sun. You used domestic violence to make her behave exactly according to your wishes. You chained her in metal jewelry to hear her movements and know her whereabouts all the time. And now, you are demanding answers? Fatherhood is a responsibility. It is neither a privilege, nor an entertainment, nor a deal, nor an entitlement. You cannot have the cake and eat it, too. You cannot have an heir without sharing the responsibility of bringing him/her up. 

Notice : a poor father does not bother much about his children. He has no property to pass on to. He does not require an heir. If he still yearns for a son, He is actually simply doing what others do, ignorant of root of the Vishvruksha of patriarchy. Unofficial marital separations are very common in lower and lower-middle class, without legal divorces. The man is often seen to leave the wife and children, because he has limited means to look after them. 

Coming back to economics, should we be rich-and-patriarchal or poor-and-equal? The challenge is to create a society that is sufficiently rich and socially equal at the same time. Why be stinking rich and destroy the planet in the process? 

Things will continue to unravel as we move on to Chapter 4 (War). 

The Vish-Vruksha of Patriarchy : Chapter 2 (Inheritance, Progeny, Monoandry)

Continued from Chapter 1.

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The male, who built his wealth, wanted a successor. Notice this : having a successor was a 'want', not a 'need'.  He did not want to part with his hard-earned wealth and wanted only and only his own progeny to inherit it. In a way, it is Okay. A person would want to give his/her possessions to her own children, not to any arbitrary person under the sun. (Though one can always legally transfer one's wealth to anyone or any organization as one pleases).

The problem was, he could not remember who his progeny was, since he had mated with several females. Those females, in turn, had also mated with several males during their reproductive age. This became a huge confusion. The genetic lineage could not be identified! Even if the male had mated with only one female, he was not sure of that female had mated with other males! Therefore, who was his successor?! Who does he give his property to? Utter confusion!

The female never had to worry about this. She knew for sure who her child was (it was a no-brainer). She had given birth, nurtured, and looked after the child (for years). She also knew who the father of the child was, though it was a redundant piece of information for her! She brought up her child, taught her/him life skills, educated him/her, trained her/him and developed his/her value-systems. She could have only one child in a year (gestation period is 280 days, and then the female reproductive system needs a few months to return to normal, and the menstrual cycle to resume). The male, on the other hand, could have several children in a year (the process of sperm-transfer took hardly a few minutes). However, the male was competing with other males. This competition was two-fold : (1) Fighting to accumulate more wealth as private property, and (2) Fighting to 'mark' his female who is bearing his progeny.

It is this striving for genetic evidence of paternity that led males into perceiving women as baby-producing machines. A male wanted to 'mark' a female as his heir-bearer, and prevent her from mating with another male. In order to promulgate mono-andry, the 'institution' of marriage developed : a female was 'allowed' to mate with only one male. However, the male could marry as many females as he pleased (polygamy), simultaneously; without anyone 'allowing' him to. This helped him remember which females he had exclusively mated with, thereby confirming paternity and ensuring a genetic heir.

Mind you, all this planning and development was happening without any say of the females, who had already been silenced into submission through their financial-dependence on males. By now, the economic power of males and their ability to provide food and shelter to females has caused the females to 'look up' to males and unconditionally obey them. Being obligated to the males, the females began cooperating to enhance the male interest. Female obedience to males had already become a norm. The female remained wary of males all the time (Disobedient females were tamed  by superior physical power of males). In spite of that, those females who could not be tamed were outcast from the mainstream society, tame women bitched about them, and they were no longer provided for (they were left to fend for themselves). Pregnancy and child-bearing made females asking for food-and-shelter from males, because she did not have to time to hunt/grow her own food or earn her own money. Therefore, most females yielded to the institution of marriage, through fear and survival instincts. The male became her 'provider', later elevated to 'pati parmeshwar'. The scales of power tilted, making it a more vertical relationship. The male gave orders, and the female took orders. The female relinquished her independence to forward the male pursuit of concentration of wealth. 

Men started controlling women. Women lost her sexual freedom (in exchange of food and shelter) and became reproductive slaves. A female's virginity became a 'prized' possession. Men wanted to mate with 'fresh' wombs, not a womb 'dirtied' by another male! Biology check : they did not know that an unused sperm gets washed out of the womb in the next menstrual cycle, making it fresh again! (More about this in the upcoming Biology Chapter). So ingrained became the idea of monoandry that men started equaling the woman's virginity with her 'character', completely ignoring her biological needs. She was supposed to control her sexuality and become passive about it. She was not supposed to show any sexual desire, but rather patiently wait for a man to make the sexual advance. A woman who 'dared' to approach a male for mating, i.e., who made the 'first' move, was labeled as "chaalu" and characterless. "A girl should not approach, but wait to be approached" became the default modus operandi of male-female interaction. Thus started the sexual suppression of women. 

Over centuries, women forgot that they are naturally sexual beings. They never explored their reproductive system nor masturbated. "Enjoying herself'" made her feel guilty. So scared she was of feeling happy and fulfilled, that she stopped enjoying sex, let alone orgasm during the act. Even if she did climax, it was by the man's effort : the woman took no active part. She waited for things to be done to her. Even men forgot that women are sexual beings. Sexual excitement in female became an alien concept for men. A sexually excited female made a man uncomfortable. A woman expressing sexual desires shocked men so much that they became judgmental of such women. Trying to dominate and control every aspect of a woman's existence, he developed a sense of entitlement of sex. He began assuming that the wife "owes" him sex at his will. Thus, women became sex slaves to their husbands. 

Coming back to the institution of marriage, the man wanted to 'tag' a female as his exclusive baby-producing machine. When he chose a female (mind you, women had already lost their choices), he wanted to announce it to the world, such that no other male impregnates his chosen female. This process of announcement needed a social gathering. All those gathered saw the pair, wished them well, and saved this piece of information in their long-term memory. They also knew that this pair is going to reproduce now (read : they are going to have sex tonight in the suhaag raat). In order to display monoandry, the female was 'marked' as 'taken'. Presto! Sindoor! That was a 'red signal' to stop other males from approaching her! BTW, Men don't put any markers of marriage on himself because a woman will not approach him for marriage herself. She has already been programmed since pre-teenage not to talk to boys.

Sindoor became a status symbol for the hypnotized woman. She wore it with a sense of duty and dedication. She actually showed it off, announcing to the world that she had a male protector of her vagina. Can you imagine a man wearing Mangalsutra with a sense of duty?

Widows removed off their sindoor. It is because there was no living penis to penetrate her vagina now. But because her womb has already been 'dirtied' by her husband's sperms during his lifetime, no other man would approach her. That explains why widow-remarriage was something unheard off in India until  the 19th century. The same holds true today for divorced women : they were considered as stale wombs. No medical professional nor Biology book could dehypnotize men and women. This takes us to Chapter 3 (Biology).

The Vish-Vruksha of Patriarchy : Chapter 1 (Agriculture and Prosperity)

Once upon a time (in the Paleolithic Age), Homo Sapiens wandered on earth in search of food and safety. They moved in tribes from place to place, walking miles everyday. Both males and females gathered food. They mated freely with each other and procreated. The institution of marriage did not exist. A male would impregnate as many females as he wished. A female would seduce a new male every time she was in heat. During pregnancy and nursing, the female needed shelter and food. The children belonged to the tribe as a whole, exactly like animals. Everybody raised them. (Such societies exist to this day in places like Nicobar Islands). 

Then, sometime around 10,000 BC (i.e., Neolithic period, the last stage of the Stone Age), humans learnt agriculture. They began settling down (near rivers), instead of wandering. All ancient civilizations happenned next to mighty perennial rivers, namely, the Indus Valley Civilization on the banks of Indus and its tributaries (Sapta-Sindhu), the Mesopotamian Civilization on the banks of Euphrates and Tigris, the Egyptian Civilization on the banks of Nile, and the Chinese Civilization on the banks of Hwang Ho). Humans began to grow crops, which provided them with a steady supply of food. They also learnt to preserve their excess food. Abundance led to accumulation of wealth. Land holdings increased in size. Allied professions like cattle-rearing, dairy-farming and poultry-farming grew, providing more variety in food. Crop rotation renewed soil fertility, ensuring a new productive staple-crop season. 

Note : Even today, agriculturally unproductive deserts and arid lands are inhabited by Nomads and Gypsies. 

A safe, settled and sufficiently comfortable life brought in socio-cultural and lifestyle changes. Humans set up permanent dwelling houses, safe from weather and predators. Water was fetched from the nearby river. Time was available for further professions to develop, e.g., weaving, carpentry, pottery, smithing (metal-working), painting,  carving, etc.

A settled life increased the frequency of mating. This increased the population. Females got busy in pregnancies, child-rearing, nurturing and care-giving. The males spent their day in the farms and fields, while the females were looking after the offspring. The settling down also meant permanent dwelling places, which had to be maintained and looked after. This was done by the females (who were in and around the house all the time now), while the males continued to work in the fields. Thus began gender-ing of roles in agricultural societies. Fewer and fewer females were seen working in the fields. Even if they were, they were employed by men. The males had the land holdings, and now controlled the process of wealth-generation almost exclusively. This made them financially powerful. The females, back home, counted on the males to feed and shelter the family, raising them to the pedestal of the 'provider'. Slowly, the females stopped bothering about the means by which the male brought in the family-income. She was totally occupied in household activities (cooking, cleaning, laundry, looking after children, attending to family members, handling stores, etc.) 

Agrarian cultures slowly stabilized in this norm of hierarchy and gender-based economic polarization. The modus operandi had a very distinct division of labor, one for money (males) and the other for free (females). Men began enjoying privileges of being the 'bread-winner'. Socio-economic and socio-cultural rules were made by men, for the benefit of men, enforced by men; to be followed by women (detailed in the next chapters). The wife began providing a constant support to the husband to organize his day and run it smoothly. She woke him up, got his bath water ready, prepared his clothes to wear for the day, prepared his breakfast, packed his lunch, served him breakfast, fetched his work-related paraphernalia, made his bed, did his laundry, arranged his cupboard, cooked dishes of his choice, decorated his house, dressed up for him in the evening, made him comfortable when he returned home at the end of the day, washed his tiffin-box, gave a patient hearing to his venting out of the day's problems and frustrations, forgave / overlooked all his domestic carelessness, served him dinner, provided him sex (even if she was tired) to relax him into sleep. Women slogged for men, and men worked for themselves. Note : men did work for 'the survival of the family' only when there was poverty. However, agriculture was already bringing in prosperity. Heading a family became an ego-issue for men. Slowly yet steadily, women got reduced to assistants to male ambition and success.  

In this whole process, the female never developed her own economic power, nor her own economic self-esteem. Her round-the-clock efforts were indispensable, yet not monetize-able; and hence her woman-hours were never monetarily compensated. Monetize-able hours of effort were the 'man-hours', spent outside the house. After spending the whole day outdoors, the home became the place where the man returned to relax, rest, unwind and sleep, before getting ready for another day at work. Yet, this place, where the woman spent 24/7, kept her busy but financially-dependent. (Caveat : I am not going to be glorifying housewives next!). She had no time to market her skills and become a wealth magnet. Even if she sold her cooking / care-giving / teaching / hospitality skills, such professions were perceived as less worthwhile as compared to agricultural work, and were therefore, paid less. Marketing requires self-confidence in women, which had already waned in the glare of male success and prosperity. 

Thus began the economic exploitation of women (which continues till today), assuming that men with bigger muscles work more and better. This assumption did not understand that women can work longer (because of more fat in the body). She has more muscle endurance, which is distinctly different from muscular strength. Let's see their definitions : Muscular Endurance is the duration that the muscle can work repeatedly without getting tired. Muscular Strength is the Maximum force that can be applied by the muscle once (one rep max). Simply put, males are for sprint and females are for marathon. 

The Indo-Gangetic plain is the agricultural belt of the country, enjoying fertile alluvial soil irrigated by perennial snow-fed rivers (Ganga and its tributaries). It is interesting to see that it also has the highest density of population (see map above). Coincidence? No, it is an anthropological reality. Also, it is an undeniable fact that North-Central India is strongly patriarchal, with dismal sex ratio and female literacy, and regressive attitudes towards females in general. This is one of the strongest examples of how (i) agriculture, (ii) population, and (iii) patriarchy are inter-related. 

Sparsely populated MP, Gujarat, Maharashtra, Andhra Pradesh and Rajasthan are also highly patriarchal. Densely populated Bengal and Kerala are mildly patriarchal and even matrilineal. 

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Male Psychological evolution.

Greed : Generating wealth became a race for the men. More forests were cleared for cultivation. Bigger houses were built for bigger families. Natural resources were exploited to meet human needs (or male greed?). Thus came in mining, another major source of wealth generation (to this day). The race never stopped. 

Territorial attitude : Land-ownership consolidated the male ego further. The size of his land holding became a status-marker. The biggest land-holder, who was able to employ more people in his farm, consolidated more wealth. He became the king of the tribe. Later, the size of the kingdom became the status-marker. Kings conquered others territories and annexed it to their hitherto territory. More land meant more wealth, since agriculture was the bedrock of wealth-creation. The captured territories started paying taxes to the victor. Geopolitical ambitions caused wars. Countries attacked each other and try to occupy more land, at the expense of the other. Expansionism (Vistaar-vaad) plagues political psychologies even in the 21st century, only slightly moderated by the devastating World War 2. Even today, men show off their bungalows, luxury cars, big gadgets, hunting trophies, and a beautiful wife as the markers of success (money + power + fame). 

Competition : Men were always trying to out-do each other in physical strength, skills, financial power, size of possessions and property, land area captured, even number of rivals eliminated. It led to toxic masculinity. Because wars were devastating, a harmless substitute called Sports was encouraged to keep the men busy, where they showed off their muscular power and physical skills, trying to outdo each other. Again, men started showing off their medals and trophies won in these sports. Notice this : In every century, men have a new game to play : the biggest animal hunted, the biggest area of land owned, the most wealth earned, the most beautiful woman captured, the most powerful mechanical / chemical / nuclear / biological weapon possessed, the most quantity of oil controlled, the most luxurious car owned, the most data handled, etc. 

Ego : The man's ability to provide for the family began being linked to his self-esteem and his masculine ego. He took it upon him to be the sole earning member of the household. A working wife began considered to be an 'insult' to the husband! (More about this later). 

Female Psychological evolution.

The hypnotizing of the female mind had already begun. Things had become too larger-than-life for the female brain to comprehend, who was busy in nurturing the future generation within the four walls of the house. When she was teaching her child to walk / talk while simultaneously looking after her home, the man was ploughing the field / milking the cow / storing crops in granaries / administering the territory / mining metals / playing a sport (archery, wrestling, hunting) / fighting a battle. The gender-based polarization of the society had become stronger. The female was too busy with children to herself think, form opinions, develop skills, earn money, decide upon her own life. The game of money-making had long become alien to her. She neither understood its rules, not did she have the time to play it. The game kept evolving over the generations and it became more alien to her (more gender-based social polarization happened). Her natural innate abilities of nurturing, growing, sharing, and caring could never find a role in this masculine game of competition, fighting, violence. Mind you, a female can be very violent, but only when she needs to save herself or her children from harm. She does not fight simply to show off her strength to other females. Women didn't like sports because someone has to lose for the other to win. She wanted a win-win situation. She avoided fights and confrontations. But of course, women were also competitive about beauty and catch-a-husband games. But that was driven by the subconscious desire to ensure financial security for herself and her children. Then she got herself ingratiated to the husband for providing her with food and material comfort.  She degenerated into servile attitude and docile behavior. 

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Let's do a quick check from the current times. Prosperity, which generated more employment opportunities for both males and females, quite counter-intuitively, led to a decreased female participation in the workforce. India's work force was 36% female in 2005, while it was less than 4% in 2016 (See here). When the man earned enough money to run the household, he discouraged the women from working. A similar trend is seen in trading societies (Gujarat). 

India's fertility rate was 6 (!) per woman even after Independence. It is only recently that it has come to about 2. This is because the woman has expanded her life beyond home and child-rearing. When the woman gets busy with creating wealth outside home, she has less time for reproduction. Cultures with more female workforce participation are less patriarchal (Hint : South India, as compared to North India).

How to be a 21st century Man Series (Part-5) : Understand what your daughter is NOT.

Dear Father, please understand the following about your daughter : 

1) She is not your liability. She is not a parasite who will empty your wealth stores. By bringing her up, you are not "watering the plant in someone else's garden". Neither are you a 'loser' because you begetted her. Come off it; because the longer you think  in this way, the more you are delaying women's empowerment. Look at it this way. Being the father of a daughter is an secret opportunity : it is through her that you will understand how a female's life shapes up from scratch (birth); something that you never saw about your mother, never noticed about your sister, never bothered to know about your wife. Your daughter is your flesh and blood : you will see a reflection of yourself in her. Bringing her up well can be the biggest fulfillment of your life. From the word go, you can systematically plan her education, sports, extra-curricular development, personality-development, etc. You can actively intervene when the society teaches her gender stereotypes. You can teach her not to "wait for the knight in shining armor", but rather to 'ride the horse and handle the sword herself!' You children are like soft clay in your hands : you can mound them the way you want. You can train her, coach her, mentor her, and develop her thinking, attitude, outlook. When you find her getting socio-culturally conditioned to patriarchy, you can 'catch her young' and prevent the denting of her normal personality as soon as possible. Your support to her growth is indispensable. Check around you. Most strong, educated, independent females have feminist fathers, overt or otherwise. Patriarchy cannot be smashed only by women fighting it : every socio-cultural / socio-economic / socio-political battle needs both sexes together, on the same side. Your daughter is your best asset to rescue you from patriarchy. Bringing her up will redeem you of all your patriarchal mistakes you did in the past, intentionally or unintentionally. For example, perhaps you were OK with your sister/wife giving up her dreams after marriage, but you won't be OK with your daughter doing so, will you? You will fight it out to levelize the playing field, right? If want your son to be super-successful in life, will you be happy seeing your daughter as merely a sperm-receptacle? Both are your progeny. You want to be equally proud of both, right? So go for it! Tilt the scales. Start from scratch. Your daughter will be the catalyst. 

2) She is not a paraayaa dhan. Please stop thinking from Day 1 of her life that "she has to be given away". N-O. No. Just No! Your job as a father is to simply make her independent, self-reliant, self-sufficient, and self-sustaining; by the time she is 22. The earlier, the better. You have as much right on her all her life, as much as you have on your son. (Let's reverse that : you have only as much right on your son as you have on your daughter. Both need to be let gone off when they are financially independent.) Your daughter's in-laws to not have more right on her than you. Please stop thinking "ab to meri beti kissi aur ki amaanat hai". NO, she is NOT! She owns herself as an individual, with full fundamental rights. As a minor, she belonged to you and your wife; and as an adult, she belongs to herself. Therefore, her equation with you must remain independent of her marital status. Do not bring her up like a 'separatist', while your son as a 'loyalist'. Both will remain loyal to you, while separating as much as a self-sufficient 21+ individual should.  

3) She is not second to your son. She needs education as a priority, both for the family and for the society. (Educating the son at the cost of the daughter should become a criminal offence.) She has wishes, she has dreams, she has goals, she has targets; and howsoever outlandish those sound to you, she has every right to fulfill them. Her talents deserve to be nurtured. Her positive pursuits need to be encouraged. Let her explore and find out what she wants in life and what brings her happiness. Provide a platform for her self-confidence to develop. Be a support for her personality to bloom. (Bring up both your son and daughter as adults : made sure your daughter does not become a child-woman and your son does not remain domestically handicapped!) Also, when you retire, remember that she has equal right as your son to your property. Inheritance is not a Y-chromosome-driven process. (Check Biology and Law : both will educate you). When you discuss your finances  (Gratuity / Provident Fund / LIC maturity) with your children, make sure both males(s) and female(s) are present and involved. Do not trivialize her opinions, especially not before your son, who gets a wrong signal (assuming that all women are monetarily illiterate). Consciously break the stereotypes. If your car needs a servicing, don't give the keys to your son by default : ask your daughter to do to every other time. When you need a new LPG cylinder, don't ask your son to get it every time : ask your daughter to do so every other time. When you have visitors at home, don't ask your daughter to make tea/snacks every time : ask you son to do so every other time. Bring them up equally, with equal rights and responsibilities. Spend equally on their education and hobbies. Have equal expectations from either of them in your old age. 

4) She is not a massless electron. You cannot transfer her from Maaykaa-atom to Sasural-atom via  electron-transfer (Kanyaa-daan). (Check atomic physics : an electron is only about (1/2000)th of the mass of a proton, and thus, the electron gets bound by the proton's gravitational pull and is forced to orbit around it, much like a planet orbits around a star.) For millennia, women have been considered as chattels, (a) to be transferred for contracts between men, of (b) kidnapped/raped, for tussles between them. Women did not have officially documented names until the first General Election in 1952! They were known as Raju's mother, Mohan's wife, Tapan's sister, etc. even in the electoral rolls! Do you want your daughter to be a piece of cargo consignment, to be handed over and stamped by a new owner (with sindoor / mangalsutra / surname/etc.)?
Your daughter has a gravity of her own, and is capable of full independent existence. Her life does not need to orbit around anyone else's. Once she is an adult, let go off her. She will find her way in the world and ensure herself a decent place under the sun, irrespective of her relationship status. Trust her not to lose her way when alone in this world. She does not need a bodyguard (read vagina-guard) called husband. Don't infantilize her after she is about 12. Teach her to think, question, scrutinize, decide, and take her own call. Realize upon her that no one has the right to boss her around. Teach her to trust her gut and instincts. Do not solve her problems (unless she asks you). Make her capable of solving her own problems. Teach her to be responsible and sensible. Teach her survival skills by late-teenage : cooking, driving, banking, cleaning, pest-control, first-aid, basic plumbing and electrical-maintenance (including common gadgets like heater / toaster / microwave / AC / iron etc). Give positive reinforcements to her academic and extra-curricular achievements (and please don't hide them from her brother!). Teach her to be ambitious and develop her backbone. Teach her to market herself as a professional and bag lucrative jobs. Teach her to save and invest her money. Teach her morals and ideals. Then leave her alone. Let her make harmless mistakes and learn. Respect her decisions and let her self-esteem consolidate. The way you bring up your daughter will set an example for your relatives and friends / colleagues to bring up their own daughters. Teach her that "Jeena hai toh, jag mein jeeo, ban ke misaal sab le liye"(Courtesy : movie Kya Kehna (2000)).
5) She does not need to 'pay' dowry for her marriage (and neither do you) : You do NOT need to start collecting her boarding/lodging/food/electricity charges of hypothetical sasural from the day she is born. She will pay for those herself, in her own house. (Her 'own house' means the house whose legal papers are owned by her : not the 'house' in the dialogue "ab to shaadi ke baad yeh hi mera ghar hai"!) Make her capable of earning her own Roti-Kapdaa-Makaan, and no suitor (nor his family) will have the aukaat to act pricey (bhaao khaao) before her. No one is doing a favor to you, or to her, by marrying her. In fact, no one "is marrying her" : she is marrying a someone. Teach her to think in 'active voice' as opposed to 'passive voice'. Make her the subject of the sentence, instead of the predicate, and see how the whole perspective of her (as a human) changes in your mind. Educate her to be the subject of as many of her life's sentences as possible : you will have raised a powerful daughter!

6) She does not not need healthcare, fitness, and positive body-image. Look after her nutrition. You and your wife should cook wholesome and balanced meals for her. Don't give her diluted milk-water after giving the whole milk to your son (Yes! Mentally sick families do that!). Don't give her smaller helpings of dishes as compared to her brother. Don't limit her food intake because of puke-worthy notions like "zyaada kaaogi, moti ho jaaogi, phir koi ladka pasand nahin karega". This one sentence is a poisonous cocktail of patriarchy, appetite-shaming, body-shaming, gender-discrimination, treating-females-as-parasites, denying right-to-nutrition, misogyny, female-body-objectification, female-choiceless-ness, all rolled into one. Stop it right there! Your daughter needs energy, minerals (esp. iron and calcium) and proteins for a healthy body. Teach her to have regular meal-timings. Advice her not to go on fashionable diets because someone in high school body-shamed her!
She also needs activity and sleep in adequate amounts. Involve her in a sport from the time she is ~6. Get an inexpensive (yet safe) bicycle for her to pedal around. Rid yourself of the misconception that sports distorts girls into tomboys! No, it does not! Running is not unfeminine, and neither are jumping, climbing, weight-training, kick-boxing. Check that her school curriculum has regular sports activities. Fill in her holidays with swimming / dancing classes. Take her to self-defense classes as a priority. Make her physically agile and energetic. Learn how a female body matures upon puberty, and teach to her respect herself and not feel shy of her growing breasts. Finally, your daughter needs good menstrual hygiene. Get involved in it, and don't leave it your wife. A physically healthy and confident girl will becomes healthy and successful citizens of tomorrow, and will raise an even better generation in future.
7) She is not a copy of your wife/mother. Don't teach her to compromise to patriarchy like your mother and your wife did. For details, please check my other blogs : (a) What your mother is NOT.
(b) What your wife is NOT!

How to be a 21st century Man Series (Part-4) : Understand what your daughter-in-law is NOT.

Dear father-in-law, please understand the following  about your son's wife :

1. She is not supposed to live in your house. Suraj Barjatya movies do not define the way the world works (Are you that naive to believe them?!) You or your family has absolutely no right to bind her in your premises. This is NOT her house : there is not legal document to prove it.  Do not ask her to "change her address" in her passport / Aadhar / Drivers' license / etc. Do not ask her to re-register herself as a voter in your Lok Sabha / Vidhan Sabha constituency. Do not put her name in the name-plate outside your door. Don't book her and your son's honeymoon tickets with your surname behind her first name. In short, do not be territorial about her. Stop patrilocality (and I am not advocating matrilocality). She is not in your clan now! She is an independent person, and so is your son. Let go off the pair, and get a life. 
2. She is not your new daughter. Don't start controlling her and ordering her. Do not give opinions about her choice, whether it is her clothes or her career. Do not ask your wife/son to order her. Do not ask for her money / jewelry / certificates / possessions to 'put it safely' in your almirah. Do not call her "our daughter", esp. not in front of her parents : it only betrays your own insecurity. Stop the Hum-Aapke-Hain-Kaun-type drama and Nyaakaami. She continues to be her parents' daughter, with all her property rights intact. Her duties towards her parents cannot be waived off under any circumstances : this is non-negotiable.
3. She is not your Ghar-Ki-Lakshmi : stop milking her and her parents for dowry. They do not owe you anything. Please don't embarrass yourself generation after generation. Stop putting up your son for sale! What you spend on your son's education is not an investment for your own gains : you have simply done a father's duty. Expecting anything in return is asking the river to flow up towards the mountain!
4. She is not your new waiter / cook. Don't expect her to serve you bed tea. Ask your son to get it for you (if you are not self-sufficient). Do not expect her to find out your tastes from your wife. Don't give orders to her like you do in a hotel / restaurant. You are not paying her. Don't expect that she will remind you of your daily medicine doses and get them for you. Where is your son?
5. She is not your new housekeeper. You and your wife are not supposed to dump the household responsibilities on her. Either do it yourself, or ask you son, or outsource it. She is not supposed to look after the house and handle your milkman / gardener / newspaper-boy / etc. 
6. She is not your lineage-propagator. She has her own genes. For that matter, even your son has your wife's genes. Please stop obsessing about the Y-chromosome, and stop patri-lineage (I am not advocating matri-lineage). She is not supposed to bear you a grandson. You don't have a precedence over her parents to be possessive about her children. 
7. She and her parents are not your beneficiaries. You have not done a favor to her or her family by marrying your son to her. Given the patriarchal set up, your son needs her more than she needs him. She is capable of making her own life and money. She not only survives individually, she flourishes. Your son is simply a part of her life, not her God. And you don't try to be a super-God. (Stop watching saas-bahu TV serials, please!). Rescue yourself from patriarchy.

Duniya Jeetna Hain!