How to be a 21st century Man Series (Part-5) : Understand what your daughter is NOT.

Dear Father, please understand the following about your daughter : 

1) She is not your liability. She is not a parasite who will empty your wealth stores. By bringing her up, you are not "watering the plant in someone else's garden". Neither are you a 'loser' because you begetted her. Come off it; because the longer you think  in this way, the more you are delaying women's empowerment. Look at it this way. Being the father of a daughter is an secret opportunity : it is through her that you will understand how a female's life shapes up from scratch (birth); something that you never saw about your mother, never noticed about your sister, never bothered to know about your wife. Your daughter is your flesh and blood : you will see a reflection of yourself in her. Bringing her up well can be the biggest fulfillment of your life. From the word go, you can systematically plan her education, sports, extra-curricular development, personality-development, etc. You can actively intervene when the society teaches her gender stereotypes. You can teach her not to "wait for the knight in shining armor", but rather to 'ride the horse and handle the sword herself!' You children are like soft clay in your hands : you can mound them the way you want. You can train her, coach her, mentor her, and develop her thinking, attitude, outlook. When you find her getting socio-culturally conditioned to patriarchy, you can 'catch her young' and prevent the denting of her normal personality as soon as possible. Your support to her growth is indispensable. Check around you. Most strong, educated, independent females have feminist fathers, overt or otherwise. Patriarchy cannot be smashed only by women fighting it : every socio-cultural / socio-economic / socio-political battle needs both sexes together, on the same side. Your daughter is your best asset to rescue you from patriarchy. Bringing her up will redeem you of all your patriarchal mistakes you did in the past, intentionally or unintentionally. For example, perhaps you were OK with your sister/wife giving up her dreams after marriage, but you won't be OK with your daughter doing so, will you? You will fight it out to levelize the playing field, right? If want your son to be super-successful in life, will you be happy seeing your daughter as merely a sperm-receptacle? Both are your progeny. You want to be equally proud of both, right? So go for it! Tilt the scales. Start from scratch. Your daughter will be the catalyst. 

2) She is not a paraayaa dhan. Please stop thinking from Day 1 of her life that "she has to be given away". N-O. No. Just No! Your job as a father is to simply make her independent, self-reliant, self-sufficient, and self-sustaining; by the time she is 22. The earlier, the better. You have as much right on her all her life, as much as you have on your son. (Let's reverse that : you have only as much right on your son as you have on your daughter. Both need to be let gone off when they are financially independent.) Your daughter's in-laws to not have more right on her than you. Please stop thinking "ab to meri beti kissi aur ki amaanat hai". NO, she is NOT! She owns herself as an individual, with full fundamental rights. As a minor, she belonged to you and your wife; and as an adult, she belongs to herself. Therefore, her equation with you must remain independent of her marital status. Do not bring her up like a 'separatist', while your son as a 'loyalist'. Both will remain loyal to you, while separating as much as a self-sufficient 21+ individual should.  

3) She is not second to your son. She needs education as a priority, both for the family and for the society. (Educating the son at the cost of the daughter should become a criminal offence.) She has wishes, she has dreams, she has goals, she has targets; and howsoever outlandish those sound to you, she has every right to fulfill them. Her talents deserve to be nurtured. Her positive pursuits need to be encouraged. Let her explore and find out what she wants in life and what brings her happiness. Provide a platform for her self-confidence to develop. Be a support for her personality to bloom. (Bring up both your son and daughter as adults : made sure your daughter does not become a child-woman and your son does not remain domestically handicapped!) Also, when you retire, remember that she has equal right as your son to your property. Inheritance is not a Y-chromosome-driven process. (Check Biology and Law : both will educate you). When you discuss your finances  (Gratuity / Provident Fund / LIC maturity) with your children, make sure both males(s) and female(s) are present and involved. Do not trivialize her opinions, especially not before your son, who gets a wrong signal (assuming that all women are monetarily illiterate). Consciously break the stereotypes. If your car needs a servicing, don't give the keys to your son by default : ask your daughter to do to every other time. When you need a new LPG cylinder, don't ask your son to get it every time : ask your daughter to do so every other time. When you have visitors at home, don't ask your daughter to make tea/snacks every time : ask you son to do so every other time. Bring them up equally, with equal rights and responsibilities. Spend equally on their education and hobbies. Have equal expectations from either of them in your old age. 

4) She is not a massless electron. You cannot transfer her from Maaykaa-atom to Sasural-atom via  electron-transfer (Kanyaa-daan). (Check atomic physics : an electron is only about (1/2000)th of the mass of a proton, and thus, the electron gets bound by the proton's gravitational pull and is forced to orbit around it, much like a planet orbits around a star.) For millennia, women have been considered as chattels, (a) to be transferred for contracts between men, of (b) kidnapped/raped, for tussles between them. Women did not have officially documented names until the first General Election in 1952! They were known as Raju's mother, Mohan's wife, Tapan's sister, etc. even in the electoral rolls! Do you want your daughter to be a piece of cargo consignment, to be handed over and stamped by a new owner (with sindoor / mangalsutra / surname/etc.)?
Your daughter has a gravity of her own, and is capable of full independent existence. Her life does not need to orbit around anyone else's. Once she is an adult, let go off her. She will find her way in the world and ensure herself a decent place under the sun, irrespective of her relationship status. Trust her not to lose her way when alone in this world. She does not need a bodyguard (read vagina-guard) called husband. Don't infantilize her after she is about 12. Teach her to think, question, scrutinize, decide, and take her own call. Realize upon her that no one has the right to boss her around. Teach her to trust her gut and instincts. Do not solve her problems (unless she asks you). Make her capable of solving her own problems. Teach her to be responsible and sensible. Teach her survival skills by late-teenage : cooking, driving, banking, cleaning, pest-control, first-aid, basic plumbing and electrical-maintenance (including common gadgets like heater / toaster / microwave / AC / iron etc). Give positive reinforcements to her academic and extra-curricular achievements (and please don't hide them from her brother!). Teach her to be ambitious and develop her backbone. Teach her to market herself as a professional and bag lucrative jobs. Teach her to save and invest her money. Teach her morals and ideals. Then leave her alone. Let her make harmless mistakes and learn. Respect her decisions and let her self-esteem consolidate. The way you bring up your daughter will set an example for your relatives and friends / colleagues to bring up their own daughters. Teach her that "Jeena hai toh, jag mein jeeo, ban ke misaal sab le liye"(Courtesy : movie Kya Kehna (2000)).
5) She does not need to 'pay' dowry for her marriage (and neither do you) : You do NOT need to start collecting her boarding/lodging/food/electricity charges of hypothetical sasural from the day she is born. She will pay for those herself, in her own house. (Her 'own house' means the house whose legal papers are owned by her : not the 'house' in the dialogue "ab to shaadi ke baad yeh hi mera ghar hai"!) Make her capable of earning her own Roti-Kapdaa-Makaan, and no suitor (nor his family) will have the aukaat to act pricey (bhaao khaao) before her. No one is doing a favor to you, or to her, by marrying her. In fact, no one "is marrying her" : she is marrying a someone. Teach her to think in 'active voice' as opposed to 'passive voice'. Make her the subject of the sentence, instead of the predicate, and see how the whole perspective of her (as a human) changes in your mind. Educate her to be the subject of as many of her life's sentences as possible : you will have raised a powerful daughter!

6) She does not not need healthcare, fitness, and positive body-image. Look after her nutrition. You and your wife should cook wholesome and balanced meals for her. Don't give her diluted milk-water after giving the whole milk to your son (Yes! Mentally sick families do that!). Don't give her smaller helpings of dishes as compared to her brother. Don't limit her food intake because of puke-worthy notions like "zyaada kaaogi, moti ho jaaogi, phir koi ladka pasand nahin karega". This one sentence is a poisonous cocktail of patriarchy, appetite-shaming, body-shaming, gender-discrimination, treating-females-as-parasites, denying right-to-nutrition, misogyny, female-body-objectification, female-choiceless-ness, all rolled into one. Stop it right there! Your daughter needs energy, minerals (esp. iron and calcium) and proteins for a healthy body. Teach her to have regular meal-timings. Advice her not to go on fashionable diets because someone in high school body-shamed her!
She also needs activity and sleep in adequate amounts. Involve her in a sport from the time she is ~6. Get an inexpensive (yet safe) bicycle for her to pedal around. Rid yourself of the misconception that sports distorts girls into tomboys! No, it does not! Running is not unfeminine, and neither are jumping, climbing, weight-training, kick-boxing. Check that her school curriculum has regular sports activities. Fill in her holidays with swimming / dancing classes. Take her to self-defense classes as a priority. Make her physically agile and energetic. Learn how a female body matures upon puberty, and teach to her respect herself and not feel shy of her growing breasts. Finally, your daughter needs good menstrual hygiene. Get involved in it, and don't leave it your wife. A physically healthy and confident girl will becomes healthy and successful citizens of tomorrow, and will raise an even better generation in future.
7) She is not a copy of your wife/mother. Don't teach her to compromise to patriarchy like your mother and your wife did. For details, please check my other blogs : (a) What your mother is NOT.
(b) What your wife is NOT!

How to be a 21st century Man Series (Part-4) : Understand what your daughter-in-law is NOT.

Dear father-in-law, please understand the following  about your son's wife :

1. She is not supposed to live in your house. Suraj Barjatya movies do not define the way the world works (Are you that naive to believe them?!) You or your family has absolutely no right to bind her in your premises. This is NOT her house : there is not legal document to prove it.  Do not ask her to "change her address" in her passport / Aadhar / Drivers' license / etc. Do not ask her to re-register herself as a voter in your Lok Sabha / Vidhan Sabha constituency. Do not put her name in the name-plate outside your door. Don't book her and your son's honeymoon tickets with your surname behind her first name. In short, do not be territorial about her. Stop patrilocality (and I am not advocating matrilocality). She is not in your clan now! She is an independent person, and so is your son. Let go off the pair, and get a life. 
2. She is not your new daughter. Don't start controlling her and ordering her. Do not give opinions about her choice, whether it is her clothes or her career. Do not ask your wife/son to order her. Do not ask for her money / jewelry / certificates / possessions to 'put it safely' in your almirah. Do not call her "our daughter", esp. not in front of her parents : it only betrays your own insecurity. Stop the Hum-Aapke-Hain-Kaun-type drama and Nyaakaami. She continues to be her parents' daughter, with all her property rights intact. Her duties towards her parents cannot be waived off under any circumstances : this is non-negotiable.
3. She is not your Ghar-Ki-Lakshmi : stop milking her and her parents for dowry. They do not owe you anything. Please don't embarrass yourself generation after generation. Stop putting up your son for sale! What you spend on your son's education is not an investment for your own gains : you have simply done a father's duty. Expecting anything in return is asking the river to flow up towards the mountain!
4. She is not your new waiter / cook. Don't expect her to serve you bed tea. Ask your son to get it for you (if you are not self-sufficient). Do not expect her to find out your tastes from your wife. Don't give orders to her like you do in a hotel / restaurant. You are not paying her. Don't expect that she will remind you of your daily medicine doses and get them for you. Where is your son?
5. She is not your new housekeeper. You and your wife are not supposed to dump the household responsibilities on her. Either do it yourself, or ask you son, or outsource it. She is not supposed to look after the house and handle your milkman / gardener / newspaper-boy / etc. 
6. She is not your lineage-propagator. She has her own genes. For that matter, even your son has your wife's genes. Please stop obsessing about the Y-chromosome, and stop patri-lineage (I am not advocating matri-lineage). She is not supposed to bear you a grandson. You don't have a precedence over her parents to be possessive about her children. 
7. She and her parents are not your beneficiaries. You have not done a favor to her or her family by marrying your son to her. Given the patriarchal set up, your son needs her more than she needs him. She is capable of making her own life and money. She not only survives individually, she flourishes. Your son is simply a part of her life, not her God. And you don't try to be a super-God. (Stop watching saas-bahu TV serials, please!). Rescue yourself from patriarchy.