This year (2021) was spent in grief and disillusionment.
January 2021
Progress in blade mould fabrication (Marine Construction Laboratory, Dept. of Ocean Engg. and Naval Architecture).
Progress in Nacelle Fabrication (Central Workshop and Instrument Service Section).
Mata (my Mother) passed away after a 8-month long battle with bile duct cancer and secondary breast cancer, on January 21. We knew this was coming the day she was first diagnosed. I had given up hope in the last few months. She was herself mentally prepared for it. In the final three weeks, her kidneys started failing. Her limbs became loose and she could no longer sit up. She slipped into coma for the last seven days. She had to be fed by the Ryle's tube. Her BP dropped a lot in the last three days, finally leading to a cardiac arrest. A little after 3 pm, she opened her eyes very wide and gasped for air. Her breathing got irregular. My sister tried to revive her, but to no avail. Then she stopped breathing. I checked her BP, and the machine showed an error again and again. It was all over at 3:15 pm. My brother-in-law arrived and wrote the death certificate. Her mortal body was dressed up in a saari. Relatives put garlands and wreaths. Pita broke down repeatedly. Hentu Mama, Anu Dada, Anjana Boudi, Hasan Dada, Rina di accompanied us. The hearse van started from home at 7 pm, taking her away for ever. Pita stayed back at home with Nitai Dada. Mata's mortal remains were cremated at the Nimtala Mahasmashan (which was her choice). We conducted a condolence prayer meeting in January 31; with family, relatives, friends, and neighbors.
February 2021
After grief, bereavement, and mourning; I returned to IIT Kharagpur with my father. It was time for new beginnings. The 8-month long ordeal of Mata's terminal illness had totally grounded me. With the added effect of Covid-induced lockdown, my perspective of life changed completely. For 15 years, I have been living alone, working hard and chasing dreams. Now it is time for a work-life balance.
Friends and colleagues visited us at home : Praphulla Shukla and his wife Pallavi and his mother, Col. Bagchi and his wife and daughter, Debabrata Sen and his wife, Ranadev Datta, Anirban Bhattacharya and his wife, Kiran Vijayan and his wife, Vishwanath Nagarajan and his wife, Dhrubajyoti Sen and his wife, Parama Barai, Amit Shaw, Prasun Jana, and Mohd. Rabius Sunny.
It was difficult to get up in the morning. It seemed the end of the world. The uncertainty of the future was gnawing. Nothing seemed to be the same again. Life's harsh reality had struck me hard : death is inevitable. I began feeling a huge void. The still-empty campus and online teaching was now having negative psychological effects. I was getting fatigued and feeling like a jail inmate. The whole environment was so demotivating!
Started work at a slow pace. Started the biogas plant experiment for methane quantification at the P.K. Sinha Centre for Bioenergy and Renewables, supported by PhD scholar Mr. Debjyoti Kundu. Procured items for wind turbine hub and drive train fabrication.
The Covid situation had cut off socializing big time. Pallavi's elder daughter Gauri became my dad's student (Maths, Science). I found that interacting with people dulls the grief. A good cry is equally restorative.
Began treadmilling at home. I have lost my fitness big time. My walking speed improved in a week. Started to enjoy it every morning.
Settled into a new lifestyle with my dad (Pita) at home. Made him my medical dependent at IIT Kharagpur.
Kept feeling empty. Sad. Wailed incessantly. Loss is very painful. Memories kept coming back. I missed my Mata at times (and I still do, though less frequently). School friends helped a lot in the recovery from my bereavement.
By the end of this month, I began to feel better. Phir se zindagi muskurana sikhne lagi.
Wind turbine blade mould got ready.
March 2021
Returned to work full-time. Started working with four MBA students from VGSOM (Vinod Gupta School of management), in order to develop the business models of four ideas.
Wind Turbine Hub fabrication.
Work was exciting once again. The grief was reducing after six weeks. Things were getting back on track. Every morning I woke up looking forward to work.
Started conceiving a new 1-year program on Wind Energy Engineering, to be offered by IIT Kharagpur to wind industry professionals. Involved the subject matter experts across departments for the same.
Wind Turbine Blade Die-making in the model-making room, marine Construction Laboratory, Dept. of Ocean Engineering and Naval Architecture.
Blade stem fabrication begins. It consists of a blade stem of mild steel and a wooden block forming a sandwich.
April 2021
The main machinery of the wind turbine arrived on campus from Rajasthan. It was first inspected by Prof. D. Kastha and Prof. N.K.Kishore of the Dept. of Electrical Engineering. Thereafter, it was tested in the Machine Lab of the Dept. of Electrical Engineering by a 2nd Year PhD student.
May 2021
A new student, Mr. Jus Jaisinghani, Dept. of Mechanical Engg., studying Manufacturing Science and Engineering, joined the Wind Turbine Project.
I began a simple Biogas experiment in the Dept. of Chemistry, thanks to the Head, Prof. D. Ray. But the Covid second wave had stuck hard. Lockdown was imposed again! I set up a small biogas experiment in my home itself. It failed in 5 days due to too much heat. I restarted the experiment afresh with a smaller amount of manure, and this time it succeeded.
I began writing my autobiography. It was particularly triggered by my mother's death. I wanted to document all my hitherto memories, before they evaporate from my mind. The memories from the last 38 years came flooding back, and I kept writing. It made me very nostalgic. The more I wrote, the more things I remembered and recalled. Perhaps I was defragmenting my mind and resetting it.
In this quarter, I visited the campus hospital quite a few times, for some malaise or another.
June 2021 (The nadir)
Lockdown continued! I was struck by the lock-down-induced depression. It was compounded by my mother's grief, which returned around her birth anniversary (June 3rd). Several friends and acquaintances helped me stay afloat. I spent three weeks going through the motions of living. Perhaps it was a much-needed break. My brain needed some time to recover from everything that happened in the last one year. I got vaccinated with Covishield in a 4-day vaccination drive organized by the IIT Teachers' Association. I also volunteered for a couple of days at the registration desk of the vaccination centre. I was sleepwalking through life once again.
This month also completed my 10 years of work in the IIT Kharagpur campus. It also completed my 2016-21 five-year plan, in which I got lots of professional success. Now I was feeling a vacuum in my life. I was unable to see my future. I was feeling stuck in a rut. I was gripped with extreme uncertainty about where and how I will spend the rest of my life. Should I have a start-up? Should I do consultancy? Should I continue as an academic? Should I move to the industry? Should I become a freelancer? How can I stay relevant in the market? Should I start mentoring start-ups? Should I try theatre? Should I marry once again? Where should I settle down? Should I buy a house in Kolkata? Where will I bring up my next generation? Can I handle being a single mother?
It was a severe mid-life crisis. I was lost. I was overwhelmed. I stopped working. I spend the days mechanically. It was difficult to get up in the morning. I actually became lazy. My brain was cluttered with morbid thoughts. My confidence and self-esteem dipped. I found life meaningless. There was nothing to look forward to. I was tired of chasing dreams. I was tired of constantly proving myself. Why is nothing stable in life? What is the definition of family in my life? I began wondering what the meaning of life was. What is better : to have a job or pursue a career? How long can I live on the edge? When will my life get some stability? How do I anchor myself? I was unable to understand how to be happy. Stuck physically in a deserted campus, without having traveled anywhere in the last 15 months, made me suffocated. Life felt like a jail. Am I overthinking? Am I too ambitious? Why am I unable to settle? Is life a compromise? What is my Ikigai? I could not find it. What is the reason for me to get up in morning? I could not answer myself. What is my destiny? It seemed nothing made me excited or happy. The excitement which I had from school, college, and even in my early career until 2019 had vanished. I had lost all purpose of life. I felt nothing. I was as disinterested with life as I was ten years ago, when I had first joined IIT Kharagpur. Was I finally reaching a plateau? How long will I keep languishing here?
I started dabbling with life. A made a profile in an online matrimonial site, but got repulsed within a week and deleted the profile. I made the cash-flow analysis of the biogas plant project and found it to be not worthwhile enough. I discontinued the work. I thought of trying theatre auditions in Kolkata, but then back-tracked. I installed Tinder and then uninstalled it within 20 minutes. I wanted to have my product-development start-up, but found that I cannot find a strong long-lasting team in academia.
I decided to lie low and let my mind take its own course. I did a lot of soul-searching. I spoke to lots of people : friends from school, college, university; school-teachers, acquaintances, campus-colleagues, industry colleagues, well-wishers. My mind needed a reorientation. I was 38, standing in the cusp of the past and the future, at the midpoint of life.
Prof. Dhrubajyoti Sen (Civil Engg), Prof. Nisith Ranjan Mondal (ex-Ocean Engg), and Prof. Sirshendu De (Chemical Engg) gave me some advice. I could get some perspective. Focus is very very important. One is a brand, which needs to be constantly consolidated. One should never spread too thin. Academia must chase the industry, and not vice-versa. Industry is where the money spins. That is where the action happens. That is what is driving the market.
Finally, my mind stabilized and I found a sense of direction. I began trimming out the excesses from my life. I decided to focus on wind turbine engineering. The old excitement began returning. I resumed from where I left off two months ago. I got back to my on-campus wind turbine work in right earnest. I was determined to complete the work left incomplete due to the incessant Covid-induced lockdowns. I was also determined to document my wind turbine work as published papers. I wanted to make my presence felt in the wind engineering industry. I also decided to begin consultancy in structural vibrations. My mind was sorted. I got more clarity about my future. I decided to be a player (and not a spectator).
I began with small steps like making my bed every morning. I made a regular schedule for eating and working out. I started checking my weight and fat %age every morning, along with BP and pulse. I began looking forward to working out every other day.
July 2021
To calm my mind, I began watching Mahabharat (Star Plus, 2013-14). This is what works every time. I was watching it for the first time. It was different from the Doordarshan Mahabharat, which I watched every time I needed to in the last 15 years. But I did like the efforts put in into making it. The direction, sets, costumes, screenplay, music, were all very good. I wish they had hired theatre-trained actors!
My cholesterol was in the danger zone. The pathologist was surprised and checked my results twice. Alarm bells rang. Thanks (!) to the closure for the gym since March 2020, my workouts had gone for a toss. This was amplified with my mother's terminal illness for the second half of 2020, and the depression that followed her death earlier this year. I began working out and intermittent fasting. Started weight-training and strength-training. I also began HIIT (High-intensity interval training). On the days of active recovery, I practiced Yoga and LISS (Low-Intensity Steady State) Cardio. I was determined to be healthy.
August 2021
I got addicted to working out. I became happier. I started preparing myself for the future. It would be a long journey at this mid-career stage, but I was determined.
Wind Turbine bed plate sizing at the Central Workshop and Instruments Service Section (CWISS).
September 2021
Got a neck injury which halted my workouts. I had to go for daily physiotherapy. Had to even get an MRI for the cervical spine. Got depressed again. Making a career change is tough, especially at the mid-career level. Someone in the industry betrayed me. I was frustrated. I decided too hold my patience.
October 2021
Trip to Mumbai.
Had a fruitful visit to Oceanergy Ltd.
Another promising meeting with Indian Register of Shipping followed.
A batchmate betrayed me for an project of mine. I decided not to contact him again.
The wind turbine work restarted. Waking up in the morning had become somewhat easier now.
On-site primering of the wind turbine tower.
November 2021
Depressed again. Started feeling suicidal. I started hating my life. Nobody could help. Reaching out to others led to more depression (It always did!). I deleted of 50+ contacts from my phone. I left several Whatsapp groups. I deactivated Facebook. I withdrew into my blissful solitude to find my shaswat self.
Blade stem base fabrication in the Carpentry shop of Central Workshop and Instrument Service Section (CWISS).
Market survey for wind turbine bearing, coupling, brakes, hub nut-bolts.
Depression continued. I was still sleepwalking through like and doing things very mechanically. Leadership is a lonely battle. You are always alone at the top. I began music therapy. It started helping me.
Someone in academia betrayed me. I decided not to contact him up again.
December 2021
Cholesterol numbers showed some improvement.
Someone in the market betrayed me. I decided not to work with him again.
Blade stem base drilling in Central Workshop and Instrument Service Section (CWISS).
Invited lecture titled “Small Wind turbine
design and fabrication : opportunities and challenges”, in the online Conference titled Advances of
Renewable Energy in higher education and research”, by MNRE and the
Department of Hydro and Renewable Energy (HRED), IIT Roorkee. December 2021.
Flange machining at the Training Workshop, Dept. of Mechanical Engineering.
Drive train component procurement from Kolkata by Mr. Jus Jaisinghani.
Trip to Ayodhya hills, Purulia district.
Made new plans. Senior well-wishing professors helped me. Started looking forward to my ambitions again. Waking up in the morning became easier. The physical lethargy, which had plagued me for most of the year, started receding steadily. Waking up became more easier. New students joined the Wind Turbine Project team :
1) Mr. Nirbhay, 3rd year, Dept. of Mechanical Engg.
2) Mr. Pritam Das, 2nd year, Dept. of Electronics and Electrical Communication Engg.
3) Ms. Bhaswati Sen, (Intern), 2nd Year, Civil Engg., IIEST Shibpur.
New subject matter expert joined for the Electronic Controls systems Design of the Wind Turbine : Dr. Chirodeep Bakli, School of Energy Science and Engg.
Bearing Stand fabrication by Mr. Nirbhay at the Marine Construction Lab.
Microcontroller purchase. Programming by Mr. Pritam Das.
Coupler machining, Hub assembly .
Someone in the academia again betrayed me. I decided not to contact him again. After all such betrayals, I lose respect of people who cannot stay true to their word. Too many people make fake promises too often. I am amused at how little self-respect they have. I have met very very few genuine, authentic, shaswat people.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------By the end of this year, I was feeling better. Much better. The wind turbine project work had picked up and I began enjoying it. I took charge of my dreams once again. Mujhe waapas apna saath mil gaya. All throughout the year I was getting 'advice' like "Try yoga, meditation, hobbies, therapy, counseling....blah. blah. blah". All crap! Total bullshit! Sab naatak hain! All of these are merely coping techniques, not the real solution. These are all time-pass pursuits, for people who have to somehow kaato their lives on the planet. Can I be honest? Even spirituality seems like an escapist pursuit! Not doing something productive for the world is criminal. And that is why, none of the above techniques work for me, except my own Karma-yog. I got back to work in full swing, and my mind restored to its normal (ambitious) equilibrium, as if nothing had happened! Work is my dignity, my freedom, my identity. This, and only this, is what defines my astitva and qualifies my self-worth (wajood). I picked up from where I had left off months ago, and pressed the accelerator. One thing lead to the other, and opportunities began multiplying as I seized them ruthlessly. Now there was no looking back!
