Monday, December 31, 2012

Get a life, you Indian woman! Stop being a Loser.

The typical Indian woman is one bloody Loser!
Look at this signature picture from the 1994 Bollywood blockbuster "Hum Aapke Hain Kaun".
What do you see here? A girl (right) is getting married and leaving her father (centre) and going to live with her husband (left). There are two families here. The father "donates" her (Kanyaa-daan), and the husband assumes charge of her. Her surname is changed (she cannot be her own identity). She now belongs to a new "group".  She comes "under the fold" of her husband's lineage. Her father cries because he is the "losing team", and now has to learn to live without her. (On the other hand, the boy's father will continue to enjoy his son with him till his death).
What do I see here? I can see three separate individuals, with three individual brains/will, individual jobs/occupations, individual identities, and individual wealth-generating capabilities. I can see three citizens of India, with the same fundamental rights and duties. I do not care whether there is any blood relation/legal relation among them : it does not change their professional abilities or their fundamental rights.
Yes. It is time to change our attitude, our outlook. It is time to transform the way we look at ourselves and others. Take off the patriarchy-coated glasses and see again.
We are all constantly making vague statements: "Society must change", "There should be a change in the mindset of the people", "The sick society needs to be treated", "We must change the system", blah.... blah.....blah.....What IS that change? Be brave to say it. Spell it out in black and white (no grey opinions).
Here it is. Get ready to hear it bluntly.
"Betiyaan Shaadi kar ke Sasural chale jaati hain"......Discard this yuck idea immediately!
Stop obeying Manu-Smriti. Be a financially independent, complete, wholesome, self-sufficient, self-reliant person. Stop crying and saying "Sajan-Ghar main chali".  Discard the idea of Maayka (father's house) and Sasural (father-in-law's house) : get your own house with your husband. Buy your own property. Have your own Roti, Kapda, Makaan. You are much bigger than two suitcases. You are not a shallow sapling that can be uprooted form your father's house and planted in your husband's courtyard. Is a woman a social refugee, who needs to seek shelter either from the husband or the father? Be a deep-rooted tree, like the National Tree banyan. Have your own property and stop inheriting your father's/husband's property.

Lord(?) Rama can drive away his pious (or stupid?) wife Sita from his house. But if she has her own house, can anyone drive her out from there?

Remember you have the same fundamental rights as your husband (Articles 14-32 of the Constitution of India). Read Article 376 of the Indian Penal code (rape). Remember you form 50% of the society : you are not a minority. 

The groom is not doing a favor to you by marrying you. Marriage is a symbiotic relationship, not a boss-employee one. So refuse to tolerate any bossy behavior. Stop taking your husband's 'permission' for anything you want to do : be your own master. Don't feel happy when your husband says "I will give you full freedom". Who is he to "give" you freedom?  You are already born free. Freedom is your absolute birthright : no one can "give" or "take" it from you. It is a free, democratic country; remember?

Stop considering yourself as a transferable property : have your own house, which is neither your Maayka (father's house) nor your Sasural (husband's father's house). Stop undergoing Kanyaa-daan TODAY! Stop wearing sindoor, mangalsutra, or any signs to 'announce' you are married. Why don't men do that? Question that, and demand answers right awayAnyone who does not bother to answer you does not deserve your love. Stop agreeing to patrilocality. Why should it be assumed that the girl will relocate upon marriage? And I am not hinting at Ghar-Jamai-s. I am talking of you and your husband forming a third, separate, nuclear unit. If real (read swabhimaani) men find the "Ghar-Jamai" concept ridiculous, they should find the "Ghar-Bahu" concept equally ridiculous. Women also can be (should be)  Swabhimaani, correct?

Stop thinking that your husband will be the centre of gravity of your life : you have your own gravity and own momentum. Stop thinking that you are incomplete without a man. Stop auditioning for the "job" of a wife. Stop "complaining" to your husband : sit for a negotiation. Remember that two equals need a negotiation : he alone cannot decide what you both will do. He cannot take family decisions alone. Stop thinking Y-chromosomes to be superior : your child must have your name also. Those who think that a person's identity comes from the father only, are nothing by Murkh.

Don't allow others to call you "Miss" or "Mrs" so-and-so. Interrupt right away, and  firmly demand 'Ms.' addressal at the very first instant (Don't let the conversation proceed). You need not announce to the world whether you have been f**ked or not. Forge your own identity.....otherwise you will be known as Mrs. so and so. The word "Mrs" has an intrinsic 'secondary-ness' in-built into it : that you come second after your husband. People should know you by who you are, not by who your husband is. Never use the words "Pati" or "Swami" for your husband : both these words stand for "owner" or controller". Your husband does NOT own you, and he cannot control you. Use the words  'spouse' : it places you and him on a equal footage.

Reject the joint-family system : it is patriarchal, where the nuclear is male and the women are electrons revolving around it. Two brothers are permitted/expected to stay together, while two sisters are dispersed into other patriarchal families. This is a divide-and-rule policy of the men, in order to rule effectively over women. I had a student of mine, who said, "We are a joint family of four brothers, but we will never marry girls who are from the same family." Do you get the reason?  It is be difficult to turn two sisters against each other, who are together since childhood. He/his family does not want the two sisters gain a combined strength in their patriarchal family and cause a house-quake. Divide-and-rule: unabashedly. You will see businesses/shops named like "Sharma Brothers", but not "Sharma Sisters"; you will see shops named "Mehta and Sons", not "Mehta and Daughters". Kolkata boasts of "Priyo Gopal Bishoyi and Grandsons", with the grand-daughters 'donated away' to strangers. Why? Sisters and daughters to shaadi kar ke paraayi ho gayi!!! (If you ever find "Sharma Sisters",  you can be 99% sure that they will be spinsters).
Stop taking your motherly role too seriously. Stop taking your wifely role too seriously. Stop playing Ghar-Ghar! You don't have to wait upon others all the time. Stop "being there" too often for others : let others solve their own problems. You are not their lives' goalkeeper/bailout option/last resort. If they mess up, let them suffer. Don't "love" others too much. Stop picking up your husband's used plates from the dining table. Mardon ko sar pe chadaana band karo. If he does not do his laundry, it is not your problem. Stop 'mothering' your husband : he is not your son. Allow and expect him to grow up and become your equal. Stop being a caretaker. Stop being an assistant. Stop thinking yourself as a subset of your husband. Stop being a nose-poker. Mind your own business. You don't have to bother where your husband kept his socks. Stop assuming artificial, concocted responsibilities. Let others take care of themselves. If you do others' jobs, you disturb the energy balance of the universe : everyone is supposed to draw his/her own weight. Teach your son home-administration, cooking, and cleanliness. Expect this from his father everyday, instead of flowers and smiles and hugs. Divide household work from from Day 1. Think of your husband as a permanent room-mate and be practical in sharing the duties : stop "loving" him too much. If your spouse considers these 'aurat ka kaam' below his 'dignity', dump him  because he does not respect women (Don't nag him and brood as expected : nagging is so 20th century yaar!).
In a job interview, if you are asked, "How will you balance between the job and family?"; your reaction should be, "Have the male candidates been asked the same question? I will answer only if they have also convincingly answered it".

Stop holding on to someone for your happiness : hold on to yourself. Be your own emotional anchor. Love yourself more than anyone else (it is natural and instinctive to do so). Stop crying if someone is rude: learn to answer back (by doing enough homework). Be happy in your own world, irrespective of others. No one should have the power to influence your moods/ temperament/ feelings. Be so self-assured that no one can insult you. Be so lofty in your self-respect that no attack/insult gets registered. No one on earth should be able to make you cry.

Stop watching house-wifely television serials, which are regressive to the extreme. "Daughter-in-law" is a relation, not an employment. Getting married is NOT equal to "getting a job". No body can command you. Nobody can interfere in your schedule for his/her needs. Stop being goody-goody, "yes-yes" girl, too agreeable, unquestioning, blind. Have your own opinions : it is OK to disagree with your husband at times. No one will hang you. Stop watching Suraj Barjatiya movies, all patriarchal, patrilocal, patrilineal. Stop giving him awards for providing "healthy, wholesome" entertainment. Patriarchy is NOT healthy : it has made the society SICK! Patriarchy follow karoge to life "pat-ri" se utar jayegi. NO wonder we have an unhealthy society with depression, suicides, and drugs increasing. 

Stop decorating yourself physically too much. Stop objectifying yourself. It is not your job to visually please men, and cause erections and ejaculations all the time. Stop putting red lipsticks : which symbolizes the inviting vagina (When a woman is sexually excited, the vagina turns red due to an increased blood flow in the region). Stop putting on silly make-up. "Make-up" means to 'compensate for'. Are you lacking something that you will compensate for it? Who drilled into your subconscious that, as a woman, you are inadequate and must constantly strive to 'improve'? Where is your self-esteem. (Swaabhimaan)?  You are perfect exactly the way you are. 
Stand on your own legs : don't lean on your husband's shoulder. Refuse to be carried on your husband's back for the journey called life. Be financially independent : this will eradicate dowry completely. Dowry stands for the boarding-lodging-fooding charges in the hotel called Sasural. If you earn you own money, the logic of dowry does not work. Buy your own vehicle : stop depending on your husband to escort you around.

Look after your own finances. Manage your bank account, invest your money individually, pay your own taxes, file your own tax returns. Get you own professional Identity card, Passport, Driver's License, PAN, Adhar card, ration card, voter identity card, credit card. (And please don't ask your husband to look after them!). Grow rich : you deserve it. Some women are only as rich as their fathers/husbands : but you need not be. Earn and create your own wealth. And your husband's income need not be your upper limit : if you are capable, surpass him 'guilt'-free. (If your hubby cannot stand it, it is his problem).

Buy 5-10 kg dumb-bells and start weight-training from today. Join the gym. Strength-train for both upper and lower body agility. Run 2+ km per day. Learn to do push-ups (NO knee-push-ups please!). Remember : physical strength is the basic pristine definition of strength, since the dawn of civilization. It will be useful in countering any domestic violence, and warding off marital rape. Move heavy furniture/appliances in the house. Carry your own luggage during travels. Do 5-10 kg grocery/green-grocery shopping bindaas! Climb ladders to check the water-tank/electric main switch. Mow the lawn, jack up your car, change a burnt fuse wire, replace a flat tire, check the water supply valves and drainage outlets YOURSELF. Consistently show your self-reliance to the world, and don't bother if labeled androgynous.

Smile less : maintain a graver appearance and make people slightly fear you. Talk less (v.imp). Be busy. Don't give the appearance that you have all the time in the world. No one should come and waste your time. Look dignified all the time. Carry your no-nonsense attitude with grace, yet add a dash of humor which women traditionally lack.

Have sex actively, don't simply (passively) get "sexed", lying on your back. Understand the power definition arising from sex : you need to take charge 50% of the time. Understand that all power-play arises from sex : it is a millenia-old psychology, present even among animals.  Ditch that regressive missionary position : it shows, as if, sex is something that a man "does", and a woman "is done to". He is your husband does not mean he has the right over your body any time. Sex cannot and should not happen unless both the spouses are interested. On that over-hyped 'Suhaag Raat', have sex if and only if you are interested. You don't have to behave as if 'first-night-sex' is the first assignment of your married life, and that your hubby has the right to 'do it' to you anytime he wants, and you are a prisoner-of-war. Sex is not a male monopoly. Sex without love is trash : and you did not marry to robotize yourself. Be true to your feelings and respect them. if he is "doing you", you should also be "doing him", right?

Look after your parents. Provide them money. Be a daughter, and prove that daughters can also look after her old parents. Don't take your in-laws too seriously. Stop ditching your own parents and giving more importance to our husband's parents. Your husband also looks after his own parents, right? Does he give more importance to your parents before his own parents? If he is a loyalist, why are you a separatist?
No one became famous/successful/accomplished by being a housewife. Tear out the "Gender" chapter form the grammar book : you will not come second only because you don't have a Y-chromosome.

P.S. Have you thought why there are so many women's organizations around, but there no men's organizations? Because, men are already organized by patriarchy. Women need to organize themselves (in reaction, or in compensation) and support each other, to maintain the Energy balance of this Universe.

1 comment:

Amrita said...

I do share the same thoughts as you Nabo. Very well written and observed I must say. But guess what, women are conditioned BY their parents and brothers and male friends so much that they themselves build a wall refusing to reflect themselves as an individual first and then through the relational lens.
But no matter what,brilliantly written. I am with you.