Friday, November 6, 2015

How to be a 21st century Man Series (Part-1) : Understand what your wife is NOT.

Dear Man, please note :
  1. Your wife is NOT your mother. Do not expect her to replace your mom. She need not be as pampering, as understanding, as polite, as accommodating, as patient, as your mom was when you were growing up. Don't throw tantrums and sit before her as if waiting for her to come and make up with you. Like a mother, she won't stand your juvenile behavior. She will not pick up after you. She will not fold the blanket after you leave the bedroom in the morning with the bed unmade. She will not wash away the yellow spots on the toilet after you pee merrily and leave. Your wife is NOT your caretaker / nurse / mind-reader. Don't play an attention-seeker with your cold/headache/minor illnesses. Nor expect her to always know your mind without you having to elaborate. Your wife is NOT your anchor/support system if you are not the same to her.
  2. Your wife is NOT your employee / secretary / slave / servant / assistant / subordinate / attendant / bearer : you cannot order her. You can only request her. You need to use the word 'please' liberally. Watch the tone of your voice when you ask her something : are you ordering her and bossing her around? You cannot demand answers from her for everything : she does not stand answerable to you for most choices of her life. Don't expect her to wait upon you when you return home from her : do not order her to get you water / tea / coffee as you take of your shoes. Her sleep timing may not match with yours : don't expect her to be up before you. Offer to change the curtains, do the laundry, change the bedspread, sun the mattresses, mow the lawn, polish the metal decor in the drawing room, scrub with washroom tiles. Get the hang of the process called 'running a house' and stop being a paying guest. 
  3. Your wife is NOT your waitress. Do not arrive into the dining room and sit at the dining table, waiting to be served. Lay the crockery/cutlery, pour the water in the glasses, toss the salad, check the salt/pepper cellars, get the light correct, ask your wife is anything is required to be taken out from the refrigerator/heated in the microwave, carry some of the food out from the kitchen. Sit down together. Do not start eating alone! Wait for everybody to settle down and the food to be on every plate, before you take you first morsel in. Eat slowly with her : don't gobble down and burp and leave her eating alone. Pick up not only your plate/spoon/glass, but also participate in clearing off the dining table, stacking the leftovers away, arranging back the dining table chairs and accessories. 
  4. Your wife is NOT your cook. Please bother to find out where the kitchen is! Go grocery and green-grocery shopping for her. Learn to recognize the vegetables and distinguish a fresh one from a stale one. Alternate doing the dishes. Clean up / maintain / arrange the kitchen with her every weekend. Offer to clean the fridge / toaster / microwave / grinder / cupboard. Understand the nutritional value of each edible : this goes a long way in enhancing the male longevity, which is at least 5 years less than the average female longevity. Cooking is not difficult : it involves simply things like soaking, cutting, peeling, boiling, steaming, frying, roasting, microwaving. Food is a basic need : be self-reliant in the kitchen even when your wife is around. That room is not her exclusive department. 
  5. Your wife is NOT your housekeeper / cleaner / washerwoman / home decorator : do your own laundry. Don't expect your wife to pick up your socks from the floor and take them to the laundry, please! If you dirty any place (table / floor / carpet / lawn), clean up and don't expect her to do the damage-control. Picking up the broom/mop will not reduce your sperm count. Throw the trash out regularly.  
  6. Your wife is NOT your 'property' / possession / purchased 'product' / trophy / decorative piece / style statement / pet. She has a life of her own. She need not take your 'permission' to go for a party / spa. Do not comment on her choice of clothes/accessories : she has a brain to choose what she wants to wear, and experience to decide what is most comfortable for her. Do not ask her to dress up and show her off  before others. Giving her gifts and diamonds may not make her happy (stop stereotyping) : she needs only respect from you. 
  7. Your wife is NOT your sidekick / appendage / shadow. Don't assume her life will be exactly the same as yours. If you plan to switch jobs, do not expect her to pack her bags and follow you by default. You alone cannot decide what you both will do. Your wife is NOT your 'Mrs'. She is 'Ms' since the day she was born. Your wife is NOT your student. Don't lecture her about what she ought to do and what not to to : she is intelligent enough to judge that for herself. Your wife is NOT your lineage-holder / gene-propagator. She is NOT your children's mother. She is her own children's mother. 
  8. Your wife is NOT your public relations officer / manager. She need not gel with your side of the family if she does not want to. Nor does she need to entertain your friends with samosa/pakora, when you are not doing the same for her friends' get-together. Do not expect her to mix with the wives of your friends : hello! they are complete strangers to each other with nothing is common! She need not like your mother/father and it is Okay! She has not married anybody else additionally other than you. She need not be sociable just because she is a woman. Do not invite your friends without informing her, expecting her to toss up a gourmet meal to entertain them! Don't expect her to be a mediator if you have a tiff with your relatives. Your wife is NOT your blame-sharer. She will not guard you for your mistakes. She will not say 'Sorry' on your behalf. 
  9. Your wife is NOT your memory card / reminding officer / alarm clock. Don't ask her to remind you of your appointments : she has her own appointments to remember. Do not depend on her to remind you of the birthday's anniversaries from your side of the family : she has own relatives! She will not remind you to cut your nails, trim your hair, shave, etc. Neither will she give up her sleep to wake you up for an early morning appointment : you need to keep your own alarm clock and also be careful not to disturb her that early. 
  10. Your wife is NOT your treasurer / accountant / storekeeper. Don't dump the salary his her hands on the first day of the month to run the house with it. Take up the responsibility of running the household (this is not the Caveman age when males are required only for security!). Check the stores and plan the grocery trip. Discuss and pencil down the dates for paying the bills. Check the supply of the kitchen and toilet consumables and stock up without having her to remind you to. 
  11. Your wife is NOT your doormat / punching bag / last resort. If you are in a crabby mood, ask her for time alone and unwind. Don't return to home and start throwing around things in anger or shouting at her to vent your frustration : if you had a bad day at work, how is she at fault? She is not the cushion which will absorb the shocks form the world which you are not an adult enough to handle.
  12. Your wife is NOT your entertainer / free prostitute : Never jump on her for sex. Focus on the heart-to-heart connection. Understand her mind, feel for her, bond emotionally with her. And this is not for those intimate moments only. Practice this all the time.
  13. Your wife is NOT your parents' new daughter. She is her own parent's daughter. She is not obligated to your parents in any which way. Ask you parents to respect her privacy and liberty, and not have any 'bahu-type' expectations. Do not come between her and her parents : that bond was formed years/decades before you met her. 
  14. Your wife is NOT your dream-fulfiller. She has her own dreams. She need not sacrifice her own goals to accelerate yours. 
  15. Your wife is not your liability. You do not need to provide for her. You needs not look after her expenses. Her income is not her pocket money. Do not show off your wealth before her : it is an insult to her financial capability and self-esteem. Do not 'advise' her about how she uses her wealth. Pool together your incomes to run the house. 


Priya Florence Shah said...

Brilliant post!

bongfoodie said...

Very well said!

arun said...

I like your post very much mam.. I enjoyed each and every para and it give some insight about modern approach.most of the point is well appreciated.but some points i am stand different approach. mam husband and relationship emerge some basic emotions like gratitude, trust, honesty and endless love. Some points are not suitable for husband and wife relationship. True relationship is both appreciate unique character and respect different character. You confused between friendship and affection. True Relationship between man and women is bound with sacrifice,appreciation,motivating each other,gratitude and trust.
I think you have some misconception between feministic approach and women liberation.
Write an another article and replace the title How to be a 21st Woman "Understand what your husband is not" series 1 and publish in womens era.

So that, we will think over it...
Don't mislead the girls and women into fake feminist.
Boys or Husband are changing attitude and mentality is changing mam...
A real relationship and affection between husband and wife is purest form of love.
Thank you mam.. i welcome some points are appreciable and needful to husband's.
But some points exhibit women should have selfish,poor,greedy,dishonesty, disrespect,misanthropic ... Then if such things are accepted why a women enter in to martial relationship???

Any applause for me...

Unknown said...

Your English is very hard to understand and doesn't make sense. Please express your opinions on better words.

Unknown said...

Your English is very hard to understand and doesn't make sense. Please express your opinion in better words.