This blog is going to deconstruct the 'holy institution' of marriage.
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Fig.1 The solitary male. Fig.2 Copulation. Fig.3 Mother and children.
Animals need food and shelter on a daily basis. At the right time, there comes the natural need to procreate. Instinct drives a pair to copulation. The biggest event in the life of an animal is the female getting pregnant. She needs security : she needs the male(s) around. She needs care : she needs other females around. The whole construct of family is based on this single event. Dens and holes are searched for and warmed, burrows and nests are built and fortified. Domestic animals have sheds, barns, stables, and kennels built for them. Humans have a nursery set aside in their homes. It is the most complex natural thing taking place : the species is procreating to ensure survival.
Once the off-spring is born, the mother cleans it, nurses it, protects it. She keeps them warm till they develop immunity. She keeps looking after them, teaching it skills from walking to self-defense. It is this bond that never gets broken : the mother-and-child bond. It is the only bond which is beyond any doubt. All other bonds are fragile and temporary. But the bond through the umbilical cord is beyond all economic, social, legal boundaries/limitations. Your mother will never abandon you (expect in extremely rare circumstances).
The animal family consists of females and children. Females group in together with children, sisters, mothers, aunts; and all of them look after the children together. In the elephant species, even grandmothers are there. In the human society, there are many rituals (i) during pregnancy (baby-shower/godh-bharaai); (ii) at childbirth; and (iii) beyond, i.e. mundan (head-shaving), rice-eating ceremony, vidyaarambham (beginning of education), sacred-thread ceremony, etc. For details, you may read : https://adc.bmj.com/content/89/12/1094. Notice carefully : these rituals and ceremonies are performed by females, with the male members of the family fetching the material stuff as required and ordered by the females. All family functions are for the females and by the females, with males as supporting crew. Exclusively male get-togethers like drinking parties and match-watching sessions have nothing to do with women or children.
In the animal kingdom, the male children leave the group once they are grown-up and ready to mate. It is the male who seeks the attention of the female to mate. After mating, the male goes off, and the female gets busy with pregnancy and child-bearing, having quite forgotten about the father of the offspring. No issues! The mother does not need the father to teach her children anything : she is able to do that herself. The male saunters off to his own devices. Bottomline : A single male is never tied to a single female in "marriage". In every mating season, the female finds a different male, and the male approaches a new female. Polyandry/Polygamy is the way! No one is labelled as promiscuous. There is no character assassination. That brings us to the fact that monogamy is artificial.
Nature is teaching us the following :
Humans are trapped between nature and artificiality. There are many things that are natural (instinctive) and many which are artificial. Let us discuss them in two groups.
A) Natural/Instinctive/Practical behavior of humans.
Women need men as providers, (only) when she is pregnant. Otherwise she can hunt/graze by herself. The human society extended this equation irrespective of pregnancy, and men got pushed up to the pedestal as 'providers', 24/7/365. Women start looking up to men to provide them everything from basics, solve all problems, handle all crises. From the male perspective, this is extremely unfair.
Once the off-spring is born, the mother cleans it, nurses it, protects it. She keeps them warm till they develop immunity. She keeps looking after them, teaching it skills from walking to self-defense. It is this bond that never gets broken : the mother-and-child bond. It is the only bond which is beyond any doubt. All other bonds are fragile and temporary. But the bond through the umbilical cord is beyond all economic, social, legal boundaries/limitations. Your mother will never abandon you (expect in extremely rare circumstances).
The animal family consists of females and children. Females group in together with children, sisters, mothers, aunts; and all of them look after the children together. In the elephant species, even grandmothers are there. In the human society, there are many rituals (i) during pregnancy (baby-shower/godh-bharaai); (ii) at childbirth; and (iii) beyond, i.e. mundan (head-shaving), rice-eating ceremony, vidyaarambham (beginning of education), sacred-thread ceremony, etc. For details, you may read : https://adc.bmj.com/content/89/12/1094. Notice carefully : these rituals and ceremonies are performed by females, with the male members of the family fetching the material stuff as required and ordered by the females. All family functions are for the females and by the females, with males as supporting crew. Exclusively male get-togethers like drinking parties and match-watching sessions have nothing to do with women or children.
In the animal kingdom, the male children leave the group once they are grown-up and ready to mate. It is the male who seeks the attention of the female to mate. After mating, the male goes off, and the female gets busy with pregnancy and child-bearing, having quite forgotten about the father of the offspring. No issues! The mother does not need the father to teach her children anything : she is able to do that herself. The male saunters off to his own devices. Bottomline : A single male is never tied to a single female in "marriage". In every mating season, the female finds a different male, and the male approaches a new female. Polyandry/Polygamy is the way! No one is labelled as promiscuous. There is no character assassination. That brings us to the fact that monogamy is artificial.
Nature is teaching us the following :
- Animal kingdom is naturally matriarchal.
- Males need females only for sex. Male children do need their mother, but only till the time when the mother feels they are grown up and throw them out of the house.
- Males are providing sperms, and if required, protection during the pregnancy of the mate.
- The only fundamental biological relationship that exists is the mother-child one. The rest are all secondary and tertiary derivatives of that.
Humans are trapped between nature and artificiality. There are many things that are natural (instinctive) and many which are artificial. Let us discuss them in two groups.
A) Natural/Instinctive/Practical behavior of humans.
- Courtship (Natural Selection). Males chase females. They compete among each other for the best female. Princes fight for the most beautiful Princess. Hence, women try to outdo each other in beauty and sex appeal. It is the sperm which runs to the ovum, not vice-versa. Make peace with this biological fact. Men chase women and want them as trophies. The more beautiful the bride, the more is the man praised. It leads to proverbs like "Only the brave deserve the fair". The primary incentive for the male to chase the female is sex. They can go to any length for that. Human males pay the price of a legal marriage for that.
- Arranged marriage for reproduction. Women get married, men don't! Weird as it may sound, this is the subconscious reality. Marriage is of the women, for the women, by the women. The focus of a marriage ceremony is the woman. The people surrounding her in various sub-ceremonies are mostly women. She is bathed (Dodhi mongol in Bengali Wedding), disinfected (Haldi ceremony), and decorated (Mehndi Ceremony). She is draped in the most beautiful and expensive bridal wear. Sindoor is put on her to signify she is married : not that the husband is married. Same goes for the Mangalsutra. The whole process is reproduction is revolving around the uterus. The sperm and the ovum both reach the uterus for procreation. That's why all the above rituals are being done to the the uterus-owner. Yeah yeah, I know, you will say that the groom also has haldi/mehndi, sherwani, etc. But the truth is that the sherwani is worn to look equally well-dressed as the bride, and the groom-related ceremonies can be curtailed/made optional.
- Sex. Men need sex. Period. In the right age bracket, they are, by default, ready for it. It is the consent of the female that matters. Without the female's consent, it is a crime called rape, punishable by law. Similarly, in the right age bracket, women are, by default, ready for a relationship. It is the consent of the male that matters. Therefore, it is he who has to propose marriage for the relationship to prosper. Men who are forcefully married avoid the relationship through extra work, TV, gadgets, sports, addictions (drinking and smoking), extra-marital affairs, renouncing worldly life (vairagya).
- Reproduction. After marriage (typically in an arranged marriage), the woman is supposed to get pregnant ASAP. If she is not pregnant in the first year, gynacs are met. Reproduction is the one and only aim of an arranged marriage in India. Period. Don't fight with this fact. If you are not interested, simply avoid it. Once she is pregnant, the God-Bharai (baby shower) happens. This can happen even if the father is not in town : once the sperm donation is over, the father is unnecessary. Men are simply sperm-donors in a marriage. It is really unfair to trap them in the family circle and sandwich them between the mother and the wife.
- Child-bearing and upbringing. Once the child is born, the mother is busy nursing and looking after the child. She is almost oblivious of the whereabouts of the husband. She needs her mother/ MIL/ sister/ sister-in-law/ aunt/ etc. to help her in the process. Men are again forgotten. It is normal. It is only recently that 'paternity leaves' starting getting granted, but that is only ~8% as long as a maternity leave (15 days vs. 6 months). The mother teaches the child to eat, dress, use the toilet, bathe, clean, speak, behave, care, understand, think, shoulder responsibilities, the list goes on. Formal education begins and intensifies, with primarily the mother monitoring it. Mothers attend parent-teacher meetings by default. The process takes 12-16 years.
- Men leaving the family (Vairagya). The male mental wiring feels useless in the mother-child-centred family construct. The male deserts the family and goes alone (Fig.1). Women don't go for Vairagya. If the man goes away, the home/family is still running as long as 'the lady of the house' is present. If the lady goes away, the family collapses. The males get a maid/ cook/ caretaker.
Women need men as providers, (only) when she is pregnant. Otherwise she can hunt/graze by herself. The human society extended this equation irrespective of pregnancy, and men got pushed up to the pedestal as 'providers', 24/7/365. Women start looking up to men to provide them everything from basics, solve all problems, handle all crises. From the male perspective, this is extremely unfair.
- Romance. The concept of "romantic relationship", which is bliss for females, is a chain for a male. It is the females who demand commitment, and the males get labeled as 'commitment-phobic'. Solution : Ladies, please make peace with the fact that once sex is over, the male will get going. He will go back to his solitude and freedom. The female needs to let him go and not stick to him and emotionally blackmail him to stay back. The male wants to have his guard up after sex. He is not interested in entertaining you anymore. Women often feel lonely after sex (demanding romance), whereas men may feel insecure/ vulnerable (needing restoration of a powerful image). No wonder, the needy woman just sucks. It is self-respect and confidence that makes a woman attractive.
- Relationship. Check your friends' social media profiles, especially of those who are "in a relationship". The females are far more like to display their togetherness than the males : announcing their relationship status, uploading pics of the couple together, etc. It is not that men are living in denial of the relationship : their mental wiring does not allow them to understand the concept of relationship. Without understanding this, the girlfriends keep complaining that the guy is not putting any effort in running the relationship! But please understand : Males do not know that there is something called a "relationship" exists. Women complain that husbands forget their birthdays and anniversaries. For men, these are not important.
- Marriage (Men as providers). Though the female animal needs the male counterpart only for the sperm and some protection during pregnancy, he has been extrapolated to a 24/7/365 provider in the human society. He is pressurized with financial expectations. He is supposed to have a financial stability to support the wife and the children. In the vows of Indian wedding rituals, the groom 'promises' to take care of the 'roti-kapda-makaan' of the wife forever! A jobless man cannot enter the marriage market whereas a jobless woman can. Financial superiority of the man has tilted the power balance in his favor, leading to unnatural distortions in the man-woman relationship : the man developing repulsion towards the wife's money, getting jealous of her professional success, taunting his male friend whose wife earns more, considering the wife's job as a 'hobby', labeling the wife's salary as her 'pocket money', sometimes even pretending to be oblivious of the wife's financial ability!
- The father as a guardian of the child. We see mothers looking after the children's upbringing (parvarish) and being held responsible for it. Anything wrong with the child and the society says, "Mummy ne kuchh sikhaya nahin?". No one says "Papa ne kuchh sikhaya nahin?" Ancient India considers mothers as the Param Guru or the Ultimate teacher. But the civil society considers the father to be the "guardian" of the child. But actually, that is only on paper! The onus of bringing up the child is on the mother. Period. (Women should be educated for bringing up better future citizens for the nation.) Why does the law give the children's custody to the mother, not the father, upon their divorce? I rest my case.
- Monogamy. Men are more likely to have an extra-marital affair than women : the wife is busy looking after children and the husband feels jobless and finds the wife boring. The faithful husband will be the one who married for reasons other than sex, i.e., strong respect and admiration, desire for companionship, amplification of solitude with the partner, emotional fulfillment, etc.
Fallouts due to artificiality
- Patriarchy. Patriarchy is a capitalistic precipitate. Men are forced to become heads of families (and no one knows about the 'forcing' part). They are dumped with family responsibilities without consent. The son is expected to look after the parents as well as the wife and the children. He does not have the option of not earning. Masculinity gets defined by achievement and the ability to earn money. Distorting this further, surviving on wife's money is considered as lack of masculinity! Earning less money than the wife is considered a shame!
- State regulations. A married man is legally recognized by the father's name only (check his voter ID card). A married woman needs both by her father's and her husband's names for legal recognition. Apart from marriage being unnatural to men, marriage itself is very insulting for a woman. It dehumanizes her to a transferable chattel.
- Divorce. But, men usually don't initiate divorces. A divorce is the end a strange thing that the woman calls a 'relationship' and the man is not able to comprehend (except as a financial liability). The male thinks he is single and the female thinks she is married. Once unhappy, she withdraws from the relationship; which for the male, never existed! He was blissfully single. He was solitary with his independence and considers the female as only a small (even optional) subset of his life. He gets maids to cook and clean, prostitutes to sleep with. Once the reproductive age is over, men start valuing women as companions and start getting closer to their wives. In old age, they miss their dead wives and become depressed. Then they seek company of their contemporaries.
Marriage is an artificial construct. Many women say that they were waiting to be proposed for marriage, and were dying to say 'yes'. After waiting long enough, they had to trick their boyfriends to get to propose to them. What is marriage? It is only to bind the man to secure the woman (her pregnancy needs). But this starts extending to lifelong financial needs, and that is unfair to the man. Let us respect Nature. Let us respect that males and females have different instinctive needs and motivations, across all species. Ladies, please leave the men alone.
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