Decide it for yourself!

       

Situation #1 : You are done with school. Next, you are scratching your about joining a 'good' college.

Confused? Fickle-minded? Waiting for others to direct you?

Situation #2 : You are done with college. You are thinking to start your career (read 'what to do next'). Seeking 'help' in deciding a path?  Asking for advice? Listening to countless opinions? 

Situation #3 : You like a person, more than just a friend. You want to express your feelings. Scared? Giving second thoughts? Trying to play safe? Thinking what if you are rejected?   

Situation #4 : You want to settle in some other place in some other job. But you are worried about non-professional commitments. 

Situation #5 : You have reached a 'marriageable' age, and people around are asking about when the wedding bells are. 

Situation #6 : You want to take a holiday. But you have been postponing it since you are never able to plan it "perfectly".

Situation #7 : You know you should quit your bad habit (Smoking / drinking / not exercising / binge eating / oversleeping / overspending), but you will indulge for "one last time" before you quit.

STOP IT!!!!

• You decide what you want to do with your life.
• You decide what your career is going to be about.
• You decide how your CV is going to look like.
• You decide what type of life you want.
• You decide how much you want to earn.
• You decide how you want to spend your life.
• You decide when you want to marry.
• You decide whom you marry.
• You decide who your friends should be.
• You decide how your house will look like.
• You decide how your surroundings will be. 
• You decide whether you want to have children or not.

Do NOT let others influence your decision : it is your life. You will lead it exactly the way you want it. Decide what to do, and do it! ASAP! Don't hesitate. Do not wait for the elusive 'future'. Future never comes : only the Present comes to you. 

Be proud of your own decision. Stand by it. Take responsibility for it. Do NOT wait for others to 'approve' it. Be decisive. Decide it and decide it now! Do NOT delay. Do NOT postpone. Do NOT procrastinate. Once the decision is made, do NOT back-track. Stand by it. And then follow through. The outcome of your decisions should be out before/within your decided time-frame. Be the Master you of your life. Don't over-think. Don't over-analyze your decision. Simply go into the Action mode. Enough with planning : get down to the implementation. 

• The refrigerator/washing machine/AC is lying around 'not working' for ages? Call the service personnel right now.
• Wanting to renovate your house, but postponing it for ages? Move to your friends place / company guest house / parents' place / sibling's place and ask the contractor to start the renovation NOW! You want a better house right? So what are you waiting for?
• Want to upgrade your operating system in your laptop, but delaying it (since it needs a lot of time, and you have 'important work' running on it? Halt! Come out of your comfort zone and upgrade it. You will get used to it very soon.
• Wanting to organize your cupboard but procrastinating it? Simply pull out all things of it, and start arranging it. Purge things you have not used for a year : you anyways don't need them.
• Planning to take a road trip but pushing back your back with excuses? Print out a map, fill the fuel tank, take your GPS, and start the car. 
• Planning a new workout but delaying it? Pin it into your schedule spreadsheet, print it out, and paste in on the wall. You will get adjusted to your new schedule pretty soon.
• Want to catch up with a friend over coffee but postponing it again and again? Cancel your evening appointment, and meet her. Work will anyways come back to you.
• Want to upgrade your kitchenware, but leaving it tacky for months and months? Plan it now and set aside some money for it. Do some homework and plan your purchases.
• Planning to end a relationship, but sticking to it out of habit/complacency/optionless-ness? Break-up RIGHT now, and get on with your life (read freedom and sanity).
• Holding on to old trash indefinitely, thinking 'I will use it in future'. THROW them out right away!
• Wanting to start an investment/savings plan; but delaying it till you save enough? That 'next month' is not going to come. Start this month instead. 
• Want to learn a  new sport/skill/art; but never found the time for it? Set aside a time frame and do it. Enrol in the course, pay the fees, get the equipment, pencil it into your schedule, and stick to it. 

There is nothing like "One day, things will be fine", i.e. "Ek din sab kuchh thik ho jaayega". This "one day" is only in your mind, not in reality. That "Ek Din" cannot come, unless it starts right now. Talking in the future tense, is an extremely dangerous habit. Of course you can talk in that, but set a deadline. The Future is continuously transforming into the Present : live it before it freezes in as the Past. You have a  limited time on this planet : do not waste it over-planning and over-thinking. 

Update your life as often as needed. It is never too soon to hit the reset button. Stop stagnating in life. Do not let each day/week/month/year/decade be a 'rewind-and replay' routine of the previous. Life is for growth. Think bigger and better, at regular intervals. Take quantum leaps in life. Renew your life at least once in 5 years : each and every aspect of it.  No one else will live your life. Also, your life is not what others expect it to be. For example :

• Society wants you to marry and settle down by 24. You want to marry at 30+. What should you do? Stick to your decision.
• Your parents want you to work in your home town, and you have landed on a huge opportunity in another city. What should you do? Pack your bags. 
• You have decided whom to marry, but your family has issues with the match. What should you so? Put your foot down.
• You have your own style in clothes, yet your friends say you don't follow fashion. What should you do? Stick to your style. It defines your image.You are not someone else, but yourself; and unique.

DDLJ sucks!

Yes, you read it right. Dilwale Dulhaniya Le Jayenge, the 1995 blockbuster, and one of the highest grossing movies of all times, is a horrible movie.
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• First things first : the title itself is wrong! See this figure below and get the point. Here, Dulhaniya is a prize (not a human being), which the Dilwala will lift and 'take away'. So the movie begins with objectification of women as trophies : whoever achieves 'it', is the hero!

• Patriarchal : the movie is the ultimate patriarchal movie.The movie depicts double standards for men and women, shamelessly. "Indian Culture" stands for "daughter being shy before the father" and not expressing herself! A wife is supposed to to be quiet before the husband! See how Lajjo (Farida Jalaal) behaves before Baldev Singh (Amrish Puri) : she is the meek and docile wife, constantly scared of her ever-dominating, almost Hitler-ish husband.

• The girl (Simran) has no life of her own. She is simply waiting to fall in love and get married and play Ghar-Ghar for the rest of her life. Early morning on a weekday, when her dad is going for his business and her sister is going to school, the heroine is writing romantic poems, dancing in the rain waiting for her lover to come and fulfill her dreams. Height of joblessness! Where is her career? Is her aim in life simply to romance the hero?

• The hero is a college drop-out! He has no job, no income, no identity of his own, Yet, he is enjoying Europe and pursuing his lady-love to India with his millionaire dad's money! What is his curriculum Vitae? ZERO! 
• The girl has to live under the command of men : she has to beg of her father, for one month of her life to live life according to her own terms. She strikes a deal with him, that after a month, she will compromise and surrender to the male-dominated society. How regressive can Yash Chopra get?

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• It is OK for guys to flirt with strangers! The guy can accost the girl, strike a conversation forcibly, intrude into the girl's physical personal space, irritate her non-stop. Why does the girl not slap him? Why can't the girl hold her own, give cold vibes, and ask him to 'shut the @#$% up', or call the police?
• If a girl tries to assert herself (or take revenge of her insult), she will be 'tamed' in public. And she has to digest repeated insults. The hero even tears the heroine's dress! When the hero gets drunk, he manhandles her, that too when she is a a wet swimming costume! Yash Chopra seems to be a misogynist.         

• But keeping your hymen intact till marriage is the greatest virtue of an Indian woman!!! 
• Also, Indian women are portrayed as naive and stupid; and they lose control upon drinking!
• The heroine knows that she cannot make her own choices in life.

• All Indian girls are emotional fools, silly, innocent, sentimental, suckers for romance! Why cannot she laugh off his concocted 'proposal'? Why does she get swept off her feet so easily? Does she ever bother to ask herself, "Is he really good enough for me?". Is it that easy to charm a woman who is intelligent enough to respect herself? Only a romantic fool will allow herself to be carried away like this! Plain silly! Look at the two pictures below, and see how her emotions are out of her control, and the guy has completely captured her feelings. Where is her own brain? C'mon Simram, what did you see in him?           

---------------- Interval -----------------

• A mother teaches/convinces/requests her daughter to sacrifice and compromise before patriarchy. She tells her that she is fighting a losing battle. She tells here, "Women have to sacrifice as daughters, sisters, wives, and mothers. We cannot live our lives according to our own terms. We have to sacrifice for men all the time, since men will never sacrifice anything for us". 

             

• A woman has to starve on Karwa Chauth for the long life of her husband. Why not the other way round : the boy fasting and praying for the girl's long life and well-being? We have never seen a guy praying for a woman, even when the wife is in labor! The song lyrics go as "Tere haath se pi kar paani, daasi se ban jaaun raani"....OMG, give me a break, you subservient woman! Is he someone to salvage you and give you status?                  

• Finally, there is a single scene in the movie where the mother takes a bold step, as asks her daughter to live her life according to her own terms. What a welcome relief! But sadly, short-lived. The guy has his own ego to satisfy, and talks his would-be MIL out of her resolve. It is a Bollywood movie yaar : the hero has to have the last word! Or is it like, in our society, men have the last word, irrespective of age and status? 

              

• As the girl's father comes to know of the affair, all hell breaks loose! A woman is either the father's property or a husband's property! "Ab Simran aapki pareshaani nahin, meri pareshaani hain". So a woman is a problem is someone's life, whether parents or husband or in-laws! See this picture here : a woman is merely a transferable good, which the two parties (pita and pati) are negotiating about! The current owner of the good, the father, refuses to give 'it' to the future owner, who is requesting him for 'it'.

• The girl has a suitor (total MCP). The two guys are fighting for the girl, just as two dogs fight for one piece of bone. Each one is trying to outdo the other to win her as a trophy : winning the girl is considered as an act of heroism, just as they said in the olden monarchy days, "Kanya-haran mein veerta siddha hoti hain".

• Meanwhile, the girl begs and begs her father to let her marry the man of her choice.
• Finally, the brainless climax : see figure below. But understand the symbolism of the scene : the guy is 'going ahead', and the girl is 'catching up' with him, leaving behind her parents as 'the losing team'. This scene encapsulates the essence of patriarchy!
• 

Problems of the Indian Psychology.

1) Extremely judgemental.

"If you don't think and behave like me, something is wrong with you". If one stands out, one is negatively labelled. 

2) Empty ego.

 "I will justify my wrong actions stubbornly, even when I know deep down I am wrong. This is a democracy and I can do whatever I want!"

3) "Chalta hain" attitude. "Arrey yaar yeh India hain, yahan sab chalta hain."

"Obeying rules is for donkeys, not for 'smart' people like me." 

Bending rules and finding loopholes are the norm. We take our own country for granted (read we take our own selves for granted). Rules are bent and broken everywhere : starting from our home to schools, offices, institutes, hospitals, organizations, industries, services, on the road.

Poor standards embarrass us, but we dull the hurt in cricket and movies.

Any thing of cheap quality is called "Desi" : Desi has become synonymous with poor quality goods and services. Doing anything sub-standard is met with the jibe "Arrey Desi-panaa mat kar".

India is infamous for its impunctuality.

4) Emotional and sentimental.

Desi-s are emotional about their family, esp. sons about their mothers. 

5) Too much of 'parent-ego'.

We Desi-s are too traditional and conservative. We do what our elders say. 

6) Change-resistant.

We need extreme willpower to get out of our comfort zones. Mehnat karne se darr lagta hain. 

We cannot take quantum leaps. We are OK with habitual familiarity.

7) Lack of ambition.

Thinking small is our habit. We are OK if we have just Roti Kapda Makaan. Kissi tarah se ek aur 24 hours guzar jaye. Laziness is just an offshoot of this : an ambitious person is usually a hard-worker.

8) Doing the bare minimum.

Mediocrity is a fashion. Anyone trying to excel is singled out and isolated. Desi-s will do the bare minimum, in the minimum possible time and then sit on their pelvis; watching TV, smoking, paan-chewing, chatting, doing nothing.

9) Desperate.(Symbolized by breaking speed barriers and rash overtaking.)
We are desperate for things. We are desperate for sex. We are desperate for appreciation. We are desperate for a few words of praise. We are desperate to save a couple of rupees. We are desperate for social validation. (Yena-Tena-Prakaarena we want our motive fulfilled). We are desperate to get pass marks. Our desperation makes us lose self-respect and social respect. 

10) Bhakti (hero-worship)

Being a fan has existed form time immemorial. Singing praises is the profession of many. Remember the bhajan-kirtans since the Vedic period?  

11) Mob attitude.

"Everyone believes in the caste-system, so I should too! It is better (safe) to behave like others, right?

12) Inferiority complex.

"Others are way better than me".  "We don't deserve good things." "Thik hain main adjust kar loonga."

We Desi-s do not have faith/trust/confidence (bharosa/vishwas) on ourselves. So we don't have high expectations from ourselves. Pehle se hi pata hota hain ki baazi koi aur maar le jayega. 

This is glaringly reflected in the Olympics. We always play like underdogs.

13) Blind faith in religion.

It will never understand logic. It will not question anything. The Indian mind can be very easily manipulated based on religion : it is the opium for this Indian mass.

14) Poverty.

Yes, you read it right. Poverty is also an attitude, a psychological problem. 

We don't want to improve things : we are OK with things as they are. 

15) Bad manners.

We are damn rude. We do not talk politely with strangers. We do not request nor thank others. Men scratch in public. Women too.

16) Jealousy.

Indian Crab Mentality. This ICM kills talent, throttles ambition, discourages dreams. 

17)  Hypocrisy.

We don't talk about sex, but explode the population clock!
We follow double standards in everything. 

My ex-boyfriend said, "I want my wife to change her surname, but I would like my sister to retain her maiden surname". 

18) Disrespect of women (by both the genders).

Men do not consider women to be their equal. Women are hypnotized since childhood to think males as superiors. 

19) Lack of professionalism. 

We don't aim at perfection. We are OK with things done "just like that". 

20) Corruption

It comes from laziness + desperation + hoarding mentality + lack of self-respect (inferiority complex)

"I am too lazy to work hard and earn money in the right way and hence I will take the shortcut".

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"Boys will be boys" ....only as long as women allow them to be ;)

You create your own experience : whatever happens in your life, you are responsible for it.

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Is this picture below of your husband, in every aspect of his life? Sadly, all men seem to be reduced to the following set of givens :

Laziness is their nature. They expect others (mother / wife / GF) to do those jobs for them, which they are sufficiently capable of doing themselves. They are too lazy to bathe, shave, comb, dress, clean, cut nails. They won't look after their personal care/hygiene : cutting toenails and cleaning of ears happen once in a blue-moon, after repeated reminder from wife / GF. They will dirty the bathroom with their hair / snot / semen, and NOT clean it. They will stand and pee, and leave yellow spots on the toilet seat : left to you to clean them off! 

They expect women to pick up after them. They will leave their plate on the table for you to take to the sink. They will throw their socks around and you will be collecting them and taking them to the laundry. They will fall asleep watching TV, and it will be left to you to shut it down and replace the remote. They will keep their dirty/used clothes around/hidden, and it will be left to you to extract them from various places and take it to the washing machine. They will go for a bath and then scream for the towel from inside. They will sit on their bum, as you continue to slog around with the household chores and watch you, giving "expert opinions" at regular intervals. 

They expect women (mother/GF/wife) to look after them domestically. They are actually guests in your home, since a 'home' is a woman's world. Patriarchy is a trick to keep the males entwined in the family system : warna mard bhaag jayegaa. The husband is forcefully made the 'head of the family', so that he takes up family responsibilities. Nature is matriarchal, but the society is artificially made patriarchal to keep the men bonded to the family. It makes them feel equally important as the child-bearing, home-minister female. Why do men escape to cricket matches, booze parties, boys' night out, etc.; but women don't? Women are the nucleus of the family : Aurat nahin to parivaar nahin. Purush-tantra (patriarchy) is only an eye-wash, a trick, a scheme, a machination, an artificial concept, whatever you call it : simply to include males in the family (reproductive perspective).

Men are more de-linked from the society and  more likely to suffer from loneliness. It happens in the animal world : male tigers/elephants are loitering alone, females (grandma-s, mothers, mausi-s, bua-s, sisters, children) are in a group (family). Men, who spend a lot of time with family and prioritize it, are called "the family man". Have you heard of "family woman"?! 

Looking after contraception is a woman's job! They will persuade their wives to undergo tubectomy (more complicated), rather than themselves undergoing the much easier vasectomy. You will have to buy the condom, tear it open, make him wear it, and dispose it after use. They will have sex and fall asleep, and it will be left to you to have your contraceptive pill. Also, you will have to put the bed-sheet and pillow-cases for washing : they wouldn't care less.

Ghar-Ghar is a girly game! Housekeeping, for them, is a woman's job. Same goes for cleaning the house, paying the bills, grocery-shopping, and child-rearing. They wouldn't care less if the house is messy, filthy, disorganized. They don't even recognize all of  the vegetables in the green-grocery store. They do know know to distinguish a fresh fruit form a stale one. Recognizing daal/pulses are 'difficult'! They can survive within cobwebs and lizard shit, and act as if they cannot see the filth. Shoes will be left around at random places, for you to trip over. 

They hate vegetables/fruits. They love meat and eggs. They will hardly drink water. They won't bother about their own nutritional status. They are more likely than women to smoke, drink, take drugs. Have you noticed : guys have a fatter restaurant bill? Men are more likely to 'dabaao' the food. They take their digestive systems for granted and have a shorter life span.

They won't bother to mind their manners : they can burp and fart and scratch (their crotch) and nose-pick randomly in public. They will eat fast, eat with their mouth open, start eating before others have been served, finish eating before others are halfway, and leave the dining table with others still eating. 

They are judgmental of women who behave less than 'model' human beings. They will smoke, and then say "I cannot stand the sight of a female smoking", and then themselves throw out a smoke ring. They have double standards for men and women : drinking is OK for them but taboo for women. 

Maintaining relationships are for women. They will forget anniversaries and birthdays. They can trivialize any conversation and invalidate your feelings. The wife is left to socialize and stay in touch with relatives on both the sides of the family. 

"Civilization is for women". "Discipline is also for women". "Keeping track of time is for mothers/wives."

They are escapists and procrastinators (Scarlett O'Hara syndrome). They know if they delay an assigned job long enough, the wife will finally do it. (Note : they need to be 'assigned' a job in the house : no homely idea originates from their larger brain).

They are attention-seeking. Period.

On the home front, they will expect you to bail them out of trouble. 

A wife is a cleaner + servant + assistant + secretary + cook + waitress + attendant + therapist + caretaker + agony aunt + punching bag + last resort + free prostitute.

• Why did you allow patriarchy?

• Why did you not learn to earn your own money? (So you idolize a Suraj Barjaatiya heroine?)

• Why did you expect a marriage to be your ultimate aim in life?

• Why did you not put your foot down and do exactly what you wanted?

• Why did you allow others (family and relatives) to convince you, and talk you out of your own convictions?

• Why did you not refuse to share the dirty bathroom with him?

• Why did you take charge of that "overgrown child"? Who hired you as his caretaker for free?

• Why did you cook for him? Why did you serve him? 

• Why did you stop him, when he was picking up his plate, by saying "arre rehne do main utha loongi"?

• Why did you allow him to kiss you with a bad breath?

• Why did you not show disgust when he burped/farted/nose-picked/scratched?

• Why did not not wait the doctor to remind him of his poor health?

• Why did you not forget his birthday (and go for a girl's night out instead?)

• Why did you rush to get the tissue and wipe his semen after sex? 

• Why did you not walk away at the slightest disrespect? Why did you put up with his snide remarks and smirking?

• Why did you let him emotionally blackmail you?

• Why did you not walk out of him? Why did you not purge that asshole out of your life?

• Why did you wait for him to take you out on a date/trip? Why did not have the guts to go out alone?

• Why were you sweet to him when he is wooden (indifferent to you)?

• Why did you think it is your job to grow him up?

• Why did you pick up his socks/underwear/plate/cup/shoes?

• Why did you cry? Why can you not be emotionally self-reliant? Why did you give someone else the power to make you cry?

• Why did you put up with his laziness and sloppy behavior?

• Why did you tolerate his mood swings?

• Why did you clean his bathroom?

• Why did you make his bed in the morning? Why did you fold his blanket after your own?

• When a woman is financially independent and still her parents-in-law are harassing her for dowry, it is the woman who is to blame for not putting her foot down and refusing the marriage at the very outset. Why has this woman not learnt to take her own decisions? Why is she so scared of "society"? Why isn't education bringing courage and righteousness into the character?

• By pampering men as sons and husbands, we have stolen away from then (denied them) the opportunity to be adults. Why do men look down upon domestic jobs, which women invariably do, almost by reflex? When a boy cleans his room, why is he teased as "living in a girly room"? 

• Let them learn the hard way! Let him lose his keys, forget his paraphernalia, screw his finances, bury himself in his cupboard mess. Let his under-garments be unwashed for weeks. If he screams, "where are my socks?", say quizzically "How do I know?" without making eye-contact.

• LEAVE THEM ALONE. Ignore him from time to time. Be available all the time and be ready to be taken for granted!

• Stop waiting upon them (for God's sake!). You need not stand next to him looking at his face all the time. Uska mooh taaknaa band karo! 

• Be busy in your own world. You have a life of your own, remember? Stop behaving like a (loser) heroine from '80s/'90s movies.

• When you already know that your husband is going to forget your birthday, its better to plan ahead and spend your birthday with close friends (girls' night out). No expectations, and hence, no tears. Simple! Load nahin lene ka. Take responsibility for your emotions and stop being dependent on others for your mental well-being.

• Bhagwaan ke liye STOP MOTHERING HIM. You have married him, not adopted him. 

• If he forget to do his laundry, let him wear the dirty clothes to work. 

• Refuse to sleep with him if he does not bath, has foul breath, wears dirty underwear.

• Be sarcastic and laugh off his childish issues. Poke fun of his domestic handicaps.

• Stop being sweet, and asking "Are you OK?" every 5 min. It is his own responsibility to keep himself OK.

• Why do we women compromise and pamper the ego of the "akdoo" man? Why are we dying to have men give us their attention? Leave them alone yaar. We should hold our own and stop worrying about "relationships" too much. 

• Indian men should learn to make FRIENDS with Indian women, and vice-versa. Inability to make friends with the opposite sex is a severe social limitation, leading to a very sick society. 

• Patriarchy is supported, practised, sustained, even enhanced; by none other than women : those women who are too hypnotized to come out of their comfort zones. Women who sleep-walk through their lives hypnotized by patriarchy, want other (younger) women also to surrender to it. (Isse baccho Behnaa!) If a woman changes her surname (without thinking), she encourages others also to do the same. The woman who was forced to deck herself with sindoor-mangalsutra-bangles, she later cannot stand her friend/sister/daughter not doing the same : she would advocate it vehemently. The mother-in-law is mean/critical of the daughter-in-law, since she herself faced it as a daughter-in-law (Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi!). Women who have no life of their own, in the name of sati-savitri-pana, are simply jealous of women who have one (a rocking one). 

Men are not going to do anything against patriarchy, since it is advantageous to them. Only a few people have been born as Raja Ram Mohan Roy, Ishwar Chandra Vidyasagar, Swami Vivekanad, Swami Dayanand.
Get Real
x


Most men are going to continue to silently enjoy women being self-imprisoned by patriarchy. 



All the above are actually mistakes of we women ONLY! We have created a situation where all the above merely are by-products.

Ask yourself : WHY?

Quoting Ajay Devgan in the movie Lajja (2001) : "Tum aurat jaat khud apni dushman ho. Maro!"
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If men do not respect women, it is we women to blame. Period.

Strength respects strength. Men will respect you if you respect yourself. Actually, men are not so respect-worthy, as you are conditioned to believe them to be!

C'mon Womankind.....come off it and release yourself from this vicious cycle. In a matriarchal society (think NE), men try to douse their inferiority complex by drinking and other drugs. In a patriarchal society, women compensate for their "lower" status by working hard (70% of the work according to ILO). So who is a better human being? In a patriarchal society, women are supposed to "behave themselves". If they don't, they are 'punished' with rape. Why don't Indians teach their sons to also behave themselves?

Confident women are labeled as "tomboys", since men feel insecure before them. When I tell men I weight-train with 5 kg, they give their predictable embarrassed laugh. Insecurity, huh?

Men say, "Women are our mothers, sisters, daughters". They should learn to say, "Women are our colleagues and compatriots"? The term "Mother India" is a gimmick, an eye-wash, a damage-control in this shamelessly patriarchal country. How many Indian men are sensitive to women's problems?

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I wish every person becomes independent and self-reliant by the age of 22-23 : career, money, cooking, housekeeping, socialization, opinions, life decisions. But, if the world makes me wear the pants and be be in the drivers' seat all the time, I will gladly take others for a ride!