According to the World Health Organization (WHO), 15% of the Indian population are affected by mental disorders, and 5% suffer from depression. According to National Crime Records Bureau (NCRB), three are 12 suicides per 1,00,000 people. About a third of these are due to 'family reasons', in which domestically-abused women take their own lives. Young adults (age 15-49) are the most common victims, with issues like drug abuse, unemployment, heartbreak. Love affairs are a bigger cause than financial problems!
Until the colonial era, mental asylums housed mentally ill people, segregating them from the society. It in only in the last several decades that mental patients have begun receiving medical attention, intervention, and support. Post-liberalization, India began talking about mental health and started becoming more understanding towards it. The words 'psychiatrist', 'psychologist', and 'counselor' came into popular vocabulary. But in this system, what was acknowledged and addressed was clinical depression, which requires medical intervention. Family or friends cannot understand it : only the psychiatrist can reason it and prescribe its medical solution. This blog will not be speaking about clinical depression (a medical issue), because I am not a doctor. I will focus on situational depression.
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Non-clinical depression, called situational depression, is different. This is triggered by loss / failure / disappointment / helplessness / loneliness / insult, etc. This is very common, like failing in exams, death of a loved one, financial challenges, health/medical challenges, being disrespected for factors beyond your control (e.g., complexion, height, caste, religion, ethnicity), being insulted by a boss or superior (esp. in public), being ignored by peers, being sidelined/isolated, falling behind others in success/money, being labelled as a loser by friends, not being given the space to be yourself in the family, jealousy, failure of a romantic relationship, compromising on life's principles, not having self-respect, not being able to defend oneself, not being able to fulfill one's dreams and desires, professional disappointment, being stuck in a rut, poor quality of life, social media, etc.
This depression irritates others. You will barely find anyone who will be empathetic. If you try to talk about it to someone, most people will move away from you. Some people, who will offer solutions, will push you further into depression. They will offer quick-fix solutions like "let's-go-out-for-a-movie/ dinner-and-you-will-feel-better". Or, they will try to do some quick damage-control in immediate response to your situation. You will be wanting a listening ear in a friend or a family member, but they will say, "Please go to a counselor / psychologist / psychiatrist". That hurts even more. It becomes a downward spiral. Most people have poor EQ (emotional intelligence) : they will not show empathy. Instead, they will do the following :
(i) Show toxic positivity like "Oh c'mon cheer up, everything will be ok", "Be positive, yaar", "c'mon, smile", "let's see the brighter side", "let's be optimistic",
(ii) Reprimand you for not being able to control your mind, show irritation and become rude, take offence, and ask you to "behave yourself";
(iii) Make fun of your state by mimicking your sad facial expressions / body language / shaky voice, make baby-like crying expressions to juvenalize you;
(iv) start avoiding you by not picking up your call, not replying to your messages, even blocking your number;
(v) laugh/gossip behind your back,
(vi) repeatedly remind you later that "you were crying that day" and tease you;
(vii) trivialize/dismiss you by being patronizing and condescending.
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You may be wondering how to get out of the situation. Do NOT go to a psychiatrist / psychologist / counselor / spiritual guru / expensive retreat / spa / wellness center. It will be useless, and you will burn a hole in your pocket. As they say, prevention is better than cure. Keeping the popular opinion aside, do the following instead.
- Start taking (healthy) revenges. Most childhood traumas pester because we did not know how to stand up for ourselves as a child/ teenager. Added to that, convent schools teach girls to be ultra-forgiving and put up with others' (read men's) dominance and cockiness. By the time girls outgrow that C*****appa, we have a pile of wrong-doings executed against us over the years. Added to that, typical mental health 'experts' ask you to 'accept', 'forgive', 'let go', 'do yoga / meditation / deep breathing', 'take anti-depressants', 'start a new hobby', 'make peace', 'forget it', etc., etc'. Sab Bakwas! These are mere coping techniques, not solutions. Even if we learn how to control ourselves in public, our sub-conscious remembers that wound. Women keep acting sweet and nice in order to be 'socially acceptable', only to realize after menopause (when the emotional hormones start ebbing), that they were being taken for a ride and trampled over for decades. If you allow yourself to be exploited, others will anyways come and exploit you. Then the bottled-up rage takes over, and the patriarchal narrative runs that "menopause causes mood swings"!
Being a forgiving Mahatma is NOT sustainable : it is your natural right (and duty) to keep your self-esteem and sovereignty intact at all times. Therefore, open you social accounts sheet and start settling all scores. Hisaab barabar karo. Get even with all those who rubbed you the wrong way. Answer back, right then and there. Make them apologize for their wrongdoings. Beat the s*** out of wrong-doers. Sue those who have crossed the line (Yes, file court cases). Punish! Convert your survival instinct into your conscious agenda. Why do people take legal action to punish the criminal (who has wronged them)? Crime deserves Punishment. It is NOT OK to forgive and forget every time. Defend yourself : it is your right and your duty. The Mahabharat is a multi-revenge saga : one has to crush the enemy completely to flourish. (Draupadi did not sit and do meditation to forget her disrobing insult!).
- Reduce socializing. The intelligence to avoid a bad situation is not praised as much as the courage to fight it. Social noise will make your brain busy (crazy) : you cannot connect to your inner self. Mental muscles are built by self, not gifted by others. You need not be unsocial or rude : you simply need to maintain that inner aloofness, and not get drowned in the noise. Maintain your inner steadiness by minimizing external turbulence. Delete unnecessary phone-numbers. Trim your social media contact list. Reduce partying. Make yourself so much resourceful and competent that other people need to save your phone number and your email ID, not the other way round! Understand : 'society' is a common minimum baseline of intelligence, choices, and actions. Excellence on the other hand, always stands out, and hence should maintain that decent distance from ordinariness. Look upwards and onwards, not behind. A crowd does not inspire you, rather it gets inspired by you. Socializing will only waste your precious time in mindless chatter with fake smiles, which you could have used in productive activities to enhance yourself. Be honest : what did you get by being in a wedding or a festival get-together or a something similar? Your CV improved? You discussed new ideas / projects to make more money? Did it make you a better person? Did it give you new ideas to improve the quality of your life? No. Then why did you waste your time? And you brought back ingredients to harm your mental health. Parties are for calibrating social hierarchy. The heavy greasy food further makes you uneasy. Such gatherings only lead to situational depression : people will pass useless comments on you, probe into your personal life, show off and act cocky, question your choices in career / fashion / life, crack a joke at your cost, interrupt you, embarrass you, ignore you, act chauvinist, etc., etc. You could have used that time to read books, make plans and write your timely goals, workout/ play a sport, get on top of mundane chores at home, spend time with your children, etc. Be careful : being seen with the wrong people erases your credibility and dilutes trust. Do not wait to be included in others' groups : create your own group.
- Earn more money. Financial insecurity is one of the most common causes of situation depression : everyone wants to have sufficient wealth and resources to lead a better and more comfortable life. Everyone wants to get ahead in life. That is what sustains the momentum of the economy. Yes, it is a life-long race. Falling behind will only lead to the gnawing feeling of worthlessness. You will be called nikamma and nithhalla. There is only one solution to this : earn more money, and feel that confidence. There is nothing more satisfying than seeing your talent and hard work getting converted into wealth. It consolidates your self-esteem, enhances your brand value, elevates your self-worth and self-respect, raises your status, gives you power and prestige. Yes, money is happiness at a basic level. (Once you have enough, you may pursue other higher forms of happiness). Give yourself reasons to feel proud every single day. Financial independence goes a long way in eliminating depression in women : men will be wary of you and take you seriously. You need not act nice to be 'socially acceptable' : your credentials and socio-economic position will automatically command respect. For this, you will have to challenge yourself : Go beyond your comfort zone. Win bigger victories. Increase your magnetic strength so that people need you and chase you.
- Show off sufficiently. Women make this blatant mistake of being overly humble and down-to-earth, and always keep acting secondary to men. Men, on the other hand, show off even their rudimentary housekeeping skills on social media! Girls have been always told to hide their grades/ achievements/ certificates, from brothers and husbands. This is where the patriarchal conditioning shows up again : women voluntarily step back and put the spotlight on men. Mothers will continue to teach their daughters to dim their brightness and reduce their aura. Daughters practise it to get the label of "Good Indian girl". Once this performance begins to feel like injustice, the silent resentment beings : 'Why have I been ignored? overlooked? sidelined? I have slogged out for decades and others have taken me for granted'. Understand : This chain reaction will continue generation after generation if you don't consciously and conclusively break it. Display your talents and achievements. I mean, why not? Stop being down-to-earth. Be visible. Remind people of your glorious existence every once in a while. Give visual reminders of your competance at regular intervals. Carry the conviction of your own worth in your mind. Frame your degrees and certificates. Show good taste in everything : food, clothes, purchases, hobbies.(Careful : don't overdo it. That shows insecurity if your substance is less than your marketing).
- Mark your territory. Stop shrinking and stop vanishing. Be. Exist. Establish your Astitva. Have your backbone. Occupy your rightful place under the sun. Show the world what you own. Own the land you walk on. Guard your possessions and mark them with your brand. Never let anyone cross your boundaries. Own your body. Own your house. Set its rules. Write and implement the constitution of your own life. Build fences. People should stay clear off you. They should think twice before intruding in your house, your life, your statements, your opinions, your choices, your decisions, your self-esteem. When allowed into your territory, they should be careful of how they behave. Set the rules and and do not every compromise.
- Stay true to your inner self. People will always say, "Why don't you behave like other females?"But here is the truth. In chemistry, particular element cannot behave like another element : every element is unique. In Biology, a particular species cannot behave like another species. Every species is unique. Similarly, among humans, every individual is unique. Trying to act like others will again lead to situational depression. Fake behavior, people-pleasing attitude, trying to conform in spite of not wanting it, will all lead to frustration. People who appear happy / bright / buoyant around everyone are often secretly attending counselling / psychotherapy sessions. Do not get swayed by external noises. Take everything with a pinch of salt. Do what you think is right and what makes you firmly happy. Stick to your principles. Be yourself. You need not conform to 'popular' beliefs and trends. Dare to stand out and walk your own way. It may be a natural human tendency to compare yourself with others, but make sure to compare only with people above you (in success, fulfillment, respect, social standing). It will help you grow, instead of being envious and self-sabotaging. Respecting others does NOT mean allowing yourself to face disrespect. There is actually nothing called right or wrong, it's only a perspective. There is no reality, only perception. What is right for someone may be very wrong for you.
- Travel. Preferably solo. Preferably for 3-4 weeks at a stretch. Groups waste time, have misunderstandings, upset schedules, mess up plans. Avoid travel agencies : they plan hurricane tours to 'tick all boxes'. Plan your own trip. Soak in the new place. Travel in local transport. Walk around. Interact with localites. See their ways of livelihood. See what they wear. Try their cuisine. Start picking up the language. Know their history. Travel gives you a change and helps you take a new perspective of life. Travel should become an enriching experience, not an escape.
Travel lets you meet fresh people, who will not judge you. You will see your mental peace and self-esteem restore.
Go easy (really easy) on the camera : everything is not for putting up on social media. Travel should be the way you want, not in the way others have expected you to believe it is. You need not buy every souvenir nor tick all points in the tourist map. Do it your way. - Talk to your inner self. It is a like a self-meeting, to take stock of your life. The external inputs division meets the internal processing and decision-making committee. You cannot skip this. It follows simple. Maintain your diary / journal. Focus less on the data-logging (from the external inputs division) and more on the the processing and judgments. Retrospect and reflect. This is like defragmenting your mind and clearing the working memory. Writing not only structures your scattered thoughts but also helps in better analysis, such that you can take better decisions in future. This is crucial to process the daily noise, filter the substantial data, trash the superfluous ones, and crystallize them for future. Writing is the best way to de-clutter and regulate the nervous system. Old diaries serve as reference points : you don't make the same mistake again, don't trust the same villain, re-calibrate and update your life's goals, and see how the big picture of your life is evolving. It keeps track of what you did with the limited time you have on this planet. You tally the ups and downs, and update your future rhythms. You can forecast which decision will be good for your peace of mind. You can hindcast as to why certain things happened the way they did, and how they can be repeated (if positive) and avoided (if negative). Rather than life simply happening to you (and causing negative experiences), you come into the driver's seat. Diaries document your life, almost like an unedited autobiography. They also serve as reminders of how strong you have earlier been, and thus, motivate you to be strong again. Let those diaries solidify your sense of self-worth over the decades. Know yourself. Know what you want from life. Maintain silence for at least two uninterrupted hours in a day.
- Find your tribe. Do not compromise on this. You cannot be happy among wrong people. You need to be in the flock whom you resonate with. Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, make sure you are not surrounded by jerks. Choose the right friends, colleagues, teachers. Avoid neighbors, relatives, naysayers. Please check aap kaise logon ke saath ghoom rahe ho, uthh-baithh rahe ho. Be with your species. Be with people who can understand you. Estimate the individual's EQ, IQ, and wisdom before forging a connection. The right energy will brush off onto you and amplify your possibilities. One thing will lead to the other and before your know it, you will be in the "flow state". Life will be on auto-pilot.
- Be prepared for a fight (The Kurukshetra finale).
When in spite of all the above strategies, your mental health is still vulnerable, get ready for a fight. Now develop the courage. Know who you are dealing with, and what are their weak points and vulnerabilities. If you are attacked, counter-attack. The weapons must be ready, well in advance, even with the most harmless person in front of you. Politeness gaya tel lene. Diplomacy gayi bhaad mein. When diplomacy fails, war is inevitable. Get ready for a fight to the finish. Let's fight one battle at a time. Suppose someone body-shames you. You should know if you should call her stupid or dumb or mean or insensitive, and then call her exactly that. Loud and clear. If someone is belittling you, say "Tu khud kya hain? Life mein aaj tak kya ukhadaa hain?" Verbalize his failures on the damn face! Answer back like nobody's business! Show people their Aukaat! If they are sarcastic, you be sarcastic, too! Don't try to correct morons : they are the rejected pieces of evolution still walking around like dharti pe bhoj! After the fight, do NOT ever sit for talks again. NEVER. It's over. After this, your relations will be cut off from this person forever. Parwah nahin. This is where Point#3 will save you. Your own wealth and resources will cushion you. You will realize after the fight that actually you never needed those people, with whom you were so carefully and politely maintaining relationships for all these years!
